Helping Children Through Grief

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By Niki Walls, LSW – June 25, 2019

Death is a part of life, and grief comes along with it. Helping a child grieve and understand death can be very difficult.

Psychiatrist Gail Saltz explains, “Children understand that death is bad, and they don’t like separation, but the concept of “forever” is just not present.” Children often have a hard time wrapping their brains around the concept of death and do not always have the coping skills they need to handle it.

 If you are helping a child through the grieving process, here are some important tips to remember:

When breaking the news about death, be clear.  Do not use terms that a child may take literally, as a child may then become fearful of “going to sleep” if that is what they think happened to their loved one who passed. Do not volunteer too much information or go into details that could cause confusion or fear in the child. However, do be honest and answer their questions the best you can.

Each child grieves differently, just like adults.  The child’s moods may fluctuate and be inconsistent. This does not mean the child is grieving inappropriately; it just means they are processing in different ways. Sometimes the child’s action could reflect a defense mechanism they are tapping into as a way of coping. The child may feel many different emotions (such as anger or guilt) toward the person that has died, depending on their understanding of the situation.

Allow your child to express a variety of emotions.  It is good practice for everyone to be able to express the emotions they are feeling, especially grieving kids. Help your child understand their emotions and utilize a safe way of expressing these emotions. It may not be easy for your child to express them in an appropriate manner. If that is the case, encourage them to do things like writing, drawing, or role playing a memory of the person they have lost.

Understand your own grief.  Aside from helping your child grieve, you will likely be grieving yourself. Your child’s grief will likely reflect your own. It is important to allow your child to see safe emotion expression. Please do not project your grief onto the child. Do not make the child feel as though they need to be the caretaker in the situation or escalate it so it is emotionally harder for them.

Be consistent.  Kids crave consistency. They want a routine and a sense of normalcy. This is true in the calm of their lives and also in the chaos.

Practice coping skills.  Children can often struggle with self-regulation and managing their emotions. By practicing coping skills with the child, they will likely have an easier time containing extreme emotional outbursts. Coping skills can include a variety of things like listening to music, making a memory collage, journaling, etc.

Preparation.  It is important to prepare your child for what to expect from a funeral, burial, or any other death ritual that might take place so it does not come as a shock when they are in the moment. Your child may have questions about life after death, so it is important that your beliefs and others’ beliefs are discussed with them. While all of these practices are helpful to a child during the time of a loss, it important to monitor that the child is able to cope with grief and recover from loss in a healthy manner. If your child does not seem to be doing so, it is important to talk to a doctor or seek out a therapist.

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Building Character and the “Why” of it All

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By Brandy Terrell, LCSW – June 18, 2019

It is the strength and originality in a person’s nature that defines their character, according to Google Dictionary. Character is also made up of the mental or moral qualities that are distinctive to each of us.

I often wonder how my role as a mother contributes to the character development of my children.  Most days I feel like I’m still trying to build my own character. There may be no real end to such an endeavor.

To me, character building is about understanding the “why” in every teachable moment and creating the ability to think critically about the “why” in every situation. It’s more than the “Do as I say, not as I do” adage.

Maybe it’s about turning the “why” around and looking inward in hopes of figuring out what type of person we all want to be; maybe it’s leading by example. It’s most likely leading without the realization that you are the example and your behaviors are being absorbed by others.

As parents, we get wrapped up in the everyday struggle to meet the material demands of raising children. We worry about providing a safe home, the latest technology or gaming system, joining sports teams, the drama club or any other social activity.

Sometimes we get lost in the rush of it all. We should strive to give our children as many opportunities as possible, within reason of course. Sometimes we equate “things,” activities and the latest trends as our way of developing character.

Maybe we expect our children to “act right” simply because they had a stable outward foundation and have “no real problems to worry about.”  When our children fall short in behavior, pick on another child, disrespect an adult or act entitled, we are left wondering what went wrong. Why did my child not “know better?”  

While we continue to provide on a material level, we also need to provide on an emotional level with the same or more gusto. We need to teach our children that all the material things we have are sort of like “extras” and what makes the character of a person is how we treat other people, not all the material things that we have.

We must teach a child that our outward behavior is a representation of the type of person that we really are deep inside. Each of us needs to decide what type of person we want to become. Character building starts with parent/child emotional interactions and conversations from a very young age. Perhaps we should also talk about privilege/entitlement each time we bestow some form of material object or privilege on our children.

So, what have I learned 25 years and three children later? Often I can see my explanations of the “why” and the character talks come to life in my children.

Each moment of kindness, humility and respect they display to others is a small emotional win for me. Each time another adult tells me how thoughtful and well-mannered my children are I’m filled with pride. (I’m usually also thinking that at least they have enough sense to act right in public!)  So my advice to parents or others trying to build character in a child is, “Hang in there and don’t give up!” Most importantly, take time to focus on the “why” as much as possible, because kids are watching, listening and absorbing.

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Literacy is More Than Just Being Able to Read

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By Heather Miller, LCSW – June 11, 2019

“Why do we have to read every day?  It’s summer!” protests my son.  Amidst moans and groans, the steadfast rule remains – 20 minutes of reading out loud daily.  I grow tired of giving my list of explanations and often want to just give in, but the importance of helping my children learn to read and do well is too important to negotiate. 

I like to equate reading time to brushing teeth, a preventative measure to help ensure issues later on in life (like cavities) are less likely to occur.  My oldest struggles to be at grade level in reading, making it much more important for me to continue encouraging – and at times insisting – that reading practice happens.

According to the National Institute for Direct Instruction, poor reading performance in children may lead to anxiety, depression, inattentiveness, frustration, anti-social behaviors, and even aggression.  Furthermore, by secondary grades, most children are aware of their difficulties in reading, thus adding low self-esteem and low motivation to the list of issues that may result from poor reading performance.

The following five ideas may assist parents or caregivers with helping their child improve reading skills:

  1. Make reading a scheduled part of your family’s day.  Placing the same level of importance on reading (to your child as well as having your child read to you) as eating dinner will help ensure reading time is completed daily.  After a few weeks, reading time will be simply part of your family’s day without thinking about it.
  • Many books are now movies.  Before watching the movie, have your child read the book if possible.  If your child wants to watch the Star Wars movies, check out the large selection of Star Wars books available at local libraries first.  Paddington is a great selection for younger children.  There are many books about Paddington that can be followed by the movie.
  • Check out Pinterest for ideas.  There are many activities and resources to assist with encouraging literacy during childhood.  Simple games such as Candyland can be adapted to teach sight words to school-aged children.
  • Make receiving a new book a treat.  For Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Easter, birthdays or as rewards, pick up a book to give as a gift.  There are many books at dollar stores that provide an economical way to promote reading.  Helping children associate books and reading with excitement will help engage them in the process of becoming a reader.
  • Be a good model.  In this case, it is important to “practice what you preach.”  Allow your children to visibly see you spending time reading.  Demonstrate the importance of reading over checking Facebook or watching TV.  This will provide legitimacy when you encourage your children to make similar choices.

If you believe your child is struggling to read, contact your child’s teacher to voice any concerns and get ideas on how to help.  If you are concerned that your child is having behavioral issues or low self-esteem due to reading concerns, your school’s Youth First Social Worker will be equipped to help you address these issues. 

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Social Media Safety Tips for Children

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By Amanda Jo Haney, MSW – June 4, 2019

In our modern society, social media is one of the most common ways we communicate with one another. This is true for adults and children.

With summer break starting, many children will find even more time than usual to spend on their phones, tablets, or computers. Often times they are communicating through social media apps. Do we know who they are talking to? Do they really know?

As parents, our main goal is to keep our children safe and healthy. This applies to both physical and emotional health.

One important way to help them stay safe while using social media is to monitor their usage. Just like when our children spend time with their friends in real life, we need to know what they are doing and who they are talking to through social media platforms.  

While it is important to give our children some freedom, we still need to know that they are being safe and following the social media rules we set for them. Giving them clear rules and consequences for their misuse will help them continue to use social media in a positive manner.

Teach them social media safety habits. While it is ideal to share this information with them before they get on social media for the first time, that might be difficult. These rules and safety measures will be valuable at any time.

According to www.connectsafely.org/social-web-tips-for-teens/, some of the things children (of any age) can do to stay safe online are as follows:

1. Be your own person. Never pretend to be someone that you are not. Be who you really are and you will attract the people who will become your real friends.

2. Be nice. Don’t say mean things just because you can hide behind a screen. Your words hurt the same as if you would say them to the person’s face.

3. Think about what you post. Remember that once it is out there it is out there for everyone!

4. Do not add people you don’t know on social media accounts. Having friends and followers is fun but can be dangerous when they are strangers.

5. Never send inappropriate pictures or engage in sexual conversations with peers or strangers. Never. Never. Never.

ALSO – NEVER GIVE OUT YOUR ADDRESS ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Don’t even tell anyone you don’t know what city you live in or what school you go to. Don’t post photos that show your school or give any information about where you live. Try to be as vague as possible about where you live.

If we stress the importance of these rules and safety habits and reinforce them with a consistent reward/consequence system, we can help our children stay safe online. This also will give us some peace of mind when trusting our kids with the responsibility and privilege of using social media.

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