By Katie Omohundro, LCSW, Tuesday, April 3, 2018 –
Communication can be a tricky thing. When you add an adolescent with a growing brain and fluctuating emotions to the mix, communication with the goal of balancing freedom for teens and control from caregivers can be a challenge.
Here are five points to consider that may help improve communication and your relationship with your teen:
- Change your mindset. Being flexible helps. This does not mean we should go against what we believe is best for our children. You should be flexible, however, and try to understand your teen’s perspective. Doing this instead of digging in your heels to show “who’s boss” will encourage better flow of communication.
- Allow your child to grow up. During adolescence kids go from having their parents as the center of the universe to avoiding them and thinking they’re clueless. These reactions are perfectly normal. It can be difficult to avoid fighting the quirkiness of adolescence, but allowing time for your teen to navigate through these changes and grow up to make healthy decisions is part of growing up. Coaching rather than micromanaging encourages kids to maneuver through life while feeling confident they have someone to help them along the way.
- Make each moment a teachable one. Asking ourselves what really matters during these years can help keep things in perspective. Be present and find those teachable moments. Avoid constant lectures on touchy subjects like schoolwork and chores and the urge to give unsolicited advice. This helps focus the conversation on listening and hearing what is important to your child.
- Be real. Being honest with your teen about how you feel allows them to see your struggles and vulnerable side. If you’re afraid your child is going to get involved with a crowd that’s into risky behaviors, it’s okay to let your child know you worry about him and don’t want him spending time with people known to make unhealthy decisions. Don’t let fear drive you. If you’re too strict and intrusive it can lead to teen rebellion, which isn’t good for anyone. Being authentic and vulnerable will make it easier for your teen to show you that side of them, too.
- Validate your teen’s feelings and emotions. Validate your teen by letting them know you understand their feelings. Validation does not mean you agree with or condone the behavior but rather means you’re not judging. Validating feelings allows teens a safe space to open up and allows parents to meet teens where they are.
The foundation of a healthy parent-teen relationship begins with trust, mutual respect, and the ability to pick and choose battles. Figuring out what our “non-negotiables” are (such as no drinking or no texting while driving) is a must. Share these with you teen so they know where you stand. Every child needs guidance, especially during adolescence.
Although the adolescent years may seem to drag on, they’ll be gone in no time. Finding a balance that works for you and your family can make those years enjoyable when it comes to communication and a healthy relationship with your teen.