Seeking Understanding: The Key to Improving Relationships
By Holly Walther, MSW, LSW – September 26, 2024
As the saying goes, “There’s no handbook for parenting.” It’s a complicated yet fulfilling journey that evokes so many emotions. During times of discipline, we can find ourselves doubting ourselves as we try to strike a balance between justice and compassion. In these uncertain moments, seeking understanding ensures this important equilibrium.
Reacting Vs. Responding
Living in a fast-paced society creates a proneness toward reactivity. But this tendency should not carry over into our closest relationships, especially those within our homes. Your child spills milk on the kitchen floor, and your immediate response might be frustration or annoyance. Your teenager arrives home late, and you might express offense. These reactions originate from our own triggers such as experiences, stress, and exhaustion. But what if instead of reacting in judgment, we seek to understand the situation from outside of our own perspective?
The Importance of Empathy
Empathy is a cornerstone of understanding. In the words of social work researcher Brene Brown, “In order to empathize with someone’s experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it, and not how you imagine their experience.” When we empathize with our children, we recognize that their behaviors aren’t always a deliberate challenge to our authority; it’s often a reflection of their inner world and developing mind. Practicing empathy creates a safe environment where our children can express their feelings, fears, and desires.
Changing Unhealthy Patterns
No parents are perfect, not even our own. Perhaps we remember feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or unappreciated. Memories like these shape our parenting styles, sometimes in ways unaware. But seeking understanding breaks this cycle. When we choose to see our children as unique individuals with their own struggles, we break free from generational patterns and cultivate a home where everyone is heard, seen, and understood.
Below are some practical actions for seeking understanding:
- Pause and Reflect—Before responding, take a deep breath (or two or three). Openly consider your child’s perspective. What might be influencing their behavior? Is there an underlying need or fear?
- Actively Listen—Give your child your undivided attention. Ask open-ended questions such as, “What do you think would make things better?” or “Would you please help me understand what is bothering you?” Show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings.
- Validate Their Emotions—Even if you disagree with their actions, affirm your children’s emotions. Statements like, “I see you’re upset. Let’s talk about it,” help them know that you are trying to understand rather than judge.
- Learn Their Love Language—Each child expresses love differently—through words, acts of service, gifts, touch, or quality time. Discover their love language and use it to connect. Learn more at https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language.
As parents, we hold immense power to shape our children’s lives. The rewards of seeking understanding are immeasurable—deeper bonds, a more harmonious home, and the fulfillment of knowing we are shaping compassionate, resilient human beings who will carry forth a beacon of love and empathy into future generations.
