Set Boundaries for Kids With Cell Phones

By Katie Omohundro, Courier & Press, June 23, 2015 – Are you thinking about getting your child her first cellphone? Or perhaps you have a child that is already too attached to their electronic device.

Cellphones are a great way to stay in touch with your child; however, there are certainly some challenges that go along with extending this privilege. To help manage these challenges, you might consider having your child sign a cellphone contract.

According to research from the National Consumers League, around 50 percent of “tweens” (kids between the ages of 8 and 12) have cellphones that range from standard, basic phones with no texting or web access to smartphones with limitless possibilities.

How do you know your tween is ready for a phone? Answering a few questions can help you decide.

  • Why does your tween want a cellphone?
  • Does your tween show responsibility and self-discipline in other areas such as school, chores, and sports?
  • Does your tween lose important objects?
  • How much does your tween know about appropriate phone use?

I once read that when teaching children to ride a bike, we don’t start them off with the top-of-the-line 10-speed without training wheels. The same should apply when giving your child their first cellphone.

Once you’ve decided it’s time for your child to have a phone, it’s important to set boundaries. Here are some example items for a contract between you and your child when it comes to cellphone usage:

1. Responsibilities:

  • My parents will know the passwords on my phone. I understand they have the right to look at my phone any time they ask.
  • I will always answer calls from my parents. If I miss a call from them, I will call back immediately.
  • I will keep the phone charged at all times.
  • I will show my parents any harassing phone calls or texts, including those from unknown people.
  • I will hand my phone to one of my parents promptly at ____ p.m. every school night and every weekend night at ____ p.m. I will get the phone back at ____ a.m.

2. Behavior:

  • I understand my behavior on my phone can affect my future reputation. I will not engage in sexting, spreading rumors, or hateful conversations. If my friends try to get me to engage in this behavior, I will show my parents the phone immediately.
  • When I am old enough, I will not text and drive. I know this is very dangerous.
  • I will use good cellphone manners. I will not text when in the company of friends and family. I will turn off my phone (or put it on vibrate) while at the movies, at dinner, or in public.

3. Consequences — The cellphone will be taken away for any of the following:

  • Homework not completed
  • Chores left unfinished
  • Cellphone use at school
  • Ignoring people to be on the phone in public

The best way to get buy-in for the contract is to model the same behavior for your personal cellphone usage. If you text while driving or use your phone late at night, how can you expect your child to behave differently?

Lastly, remember that as a parent, you are the owner of the cellphone your child uses. If your child is not following the contract, the phone should be taken away. After all, you love your child and want the best for them.

/by

Ideas for Summer Family Fun

by Tiffany Austin, Courier & Press, June 16, 2015 –

When it comes to summer fun, many parents find themselves searching for things that will keep their children happy, busy and interested. Good news! There are plenty of enjoyable and inexpensive activities out there.

Here are some ideas to help parents start an interest list of enjoyable, affordable fun.

First, think “traditional fun.” As parents, we sometimes overthink what would be enjoyable for our child. Sometimes giving your child simple toys like a hula hoop, sidewalk chalk, jump rope, board game or bubbles can go a long way. These inexpensive items can keep your child happy for hours.

Next, take “traditional fun” to the next level. Fill a kiddie pool with water and dish soap and use a hula hoop to make huge bubbles. Use a jump rope for a competitive game of limbo or tug of war. Allow your child to have a game, movie or glamour night with friends. Go for a bike ride along the river instead of around the block. Take lunches to a local park for a picnic. Use a pool noodle to hit floating balloons, or use green, red, blue and yellow spray paint on the grass to make an outdoor Twister board. There are limitless possibilities!

Cool down outdoor fun by adding water to your child’s play. Play a batting game and use water balloons in place of a ball, use a sprinkler during any outdoor game, or begin a water war by using spray bottles, water balloons, etc. as a safe and creative way to drench the opposing team.

At night, take the fun outside. Use a flashlight for a nighttime scavenger hunt. Float glow sticks in the pool for a nighttime swim, or open up a few glow sticks and add the inner liquid to a bottle of bubbles. You can also place glow liquid inside balloons, blow them up and grab a water noodle for some outdoor glow batting fun.

Lastly, if you and your child choose to go to local events, facilities, or attractions, remember there are ways to save on these activities. Take a good report card to a local participating ice cream shop, restaurant, or game center (for example, Chuck E. Cheese) to redeem for free or discounted items/tokens.

Try to visit local establishments on a family night. These nights are offered at some restaurants, local health facilities (like the YMCA), skating rinks and community pools to allow the usage of the facilities at a discounted rate.

In addition, public libraries offer free kid-friendly activities and summer reading programs. As a reward for reaching certain reading milestones during the program, children are usually offered free coupons to take to local businesses to redeem for treats and activities. Also keep in mind websites or apps like Groupon offer meals, items, and tickets to attractions at a discounted price.

These helpful tips can help any parent get started with some safe, inexpensive summer fun ideas for their child. For additional summer fun ideas, search online or use specific websites/apps like Pinterest. Remember, creativity, time, and love go a long way toward helping your child have a fun and memorable summer!

/by

Caring Adults Can See Invisible Kids

By Parri O. Black, Courier & Press, June 10, 2015 –

Sadly, in nearly every high school, there are invisible kids sitting in classrooms and wandering the halls. In the magical world of super heroes, invisibility is a powerful weapon, but in the real world of everyday teens, it’s often an unperceived sign of trouble.

Recently, a friend joined me to watch students graduate from a Youth First program for teens who are at risk of dropping out of school. They were a diverse group of young people struggling with all sorts of challenges, including difficult home lives, depression, anger, anxiety, substance abuse, and much more. Some were teen moms; others had parents in prison.

My friend, who is just a few years older than the program’s graduates, shared her dismay, saying: “I never saw these kids when I was in high school.”

They were there, but to her, they were invisible. That’s because her sights were set on succeeding in school and in life. She had her own set of problems, but she also had three key assets that every child needs and deserves:

  • Caring adults (preferably parents) who love and support them
  • Dreams and goals for the future
  • Resiliency or the skills to bounce back from adversity

Youth who are raised without these resources face lots of hardships and cause lots of heartache. They become victims of abuse, bullies, school dropouts, unemployable, homeless, addicts, criminals, prison inmates, and those who kill or die as a result of their behaviors.

If we overlook these kids, we become part of the problem, but if we open our eyes, we can become part of the solution. It pays to pay attention to the children around us and make sure they have the support they need. If it’s not a parent or another relative, caring adults in a child’s life can be a teacher, mentor, counselor, minister, neighbor, or friend.

Youth First’s School Social Workers often meet that need. They help motivate students to focus on the future and set goals to achieve their dreams. They also help kids develop coping, communication, and social skills to navigate life’s inevitable challenges.

Unfortunately, when school is out during the summer, many kids are also without a positive role model. Mentors through Big Brothers Big Sisters (bbbsevansville.org) or similar programs provide invaluable support for vulnerable youngsters, and there is always a need for more adults who are willing to give a little of their time and attention to a child.

Removing a teen’s well-worn “cloak of invisibility” can sometimes require some specific skill sets. By that age, the problems often seem insurmountable, but as my friend witnessed at the Youth First graduation, given the right kind of support, troubled teens can step into the spotlight and connect to a brighter future.

You can see for yourself by taking the blinders off and volunteering to help a school, church, or community organization devoted to healthy youth development. Caring adults who recognize the invisible kids are true super heroes.

/by

“Why Try” Program Teaches Students Respect

by Callie Sanders, Courier & Press, June 2, 2015 –

Youth First uses the “Why Try” program in area schools to teach resiliency, respect for self and others, and everyday success. Many of the lessons from this program can be carried forward and applied to daily living.

Students receive knowledge and tools that will help them handle stress and cope with difficult situations and differences in others. More importantly, class members create a bond and know they are not alone.

One lesson that usually resonates with students is “Tearing Off Labels.” Canned goods are used to draw an analogy that everyone is labeled. We discuss how some labels are good and some are bad.

In a group setting, students usually do a wonderful job identifying positive and negative labels. Further discussion identifies strategies to receive and keep positive labels as well as skills that can be used to overcome negative ones. Students are given the freedom to choose which label they prefer. They are also challenged to remain open and “not judge a book by its cover” when it comes to differences in others.

The “Why Try” program encourages self-efficacy. Self-efficacy has been defined as one’s belief in his/her ability to succeed in certain situations.

Class members are encouraged to look inward and focus on the “Real Me” through a series of thought provoking questions:

  • What do I like about myself?
  • What do others like about me?
  • What have I accomplished?
  • What are my strengths, goals and dreams?
  • If I had to label myself, what would the label be?

Answers must be positive, and group members are asked to answer questions honestly. This task can be daunting for students with low self-esteem and those who choose to hang on to negative labels.

Therefore, the concept of “self-talk” is introduced. Students begin to understand the power in our thoughts. Are their thoughts positive or negative? They learn that how we view ourselves has a direct correlation to how we treat ourselves and others.

The lesson also teaches four proactive steps to get rid of labels:

  • Stop living up to your label. Prove your label wrong!
  • Remember, it is easy to prove that your label is true; just keep doing the same things.
  • Your label is from the past. Today you either need to keep it or start tearing it off.
  • Let the “Real Me” out so much that past negative labels must be torn off.

These four proactive steps encourage students to use the techniques learned to help face everyday challenges they deal with personally and inter-personally.

Improved self-esteem is a catalyst for better behavior, which can lead to tearing off negative labels and promoting positives ones. The goal is to motivate students to accept themselves and others. I encourage students to embrace their individuality and to not be afraid to embrace others and their differences.

Why try? There is always room for personal growth even when others remain stagnant and hold on to their labels. Never give up!

/by

Conquering Bad Habits

By Valorie Dassel, Courier & Press, May 26, 2015 –

Tomorrow is the day! No more lounging on the couch for me. I am going to start exercising. My schedule will be more relaxed in the summer with the kids being out of school.

Since I will be eating healthy tomorrow, I’m going to thoroughly enjoy one last fattening meal tonight. I don’t feel an ounce of guilt because, after all, I’ll be running and eating healthy from here on out. This one meal doesn’t matter.

That annoying buzz of the alarm clock comes way too early, however. Oops! I’ve hit the snooze too many times, and I won’t be able to get that run in this morning. I’ll make sure I run right after work.

My good friend asks me to lunch. I haven’t spent much time with her lately, so I’ll grab a burger with her and just eat a healthy supper. After a busy day, however, it looks like pizza tonight.

I finally have the kids asleep, but it’s just too late for a run. I’m going to do better tomorrow. Now where is that chocolate I’ve been craving?

Does this sound familiar? Bad habits are so routine for many of us that we don’t even realize we are engaging in them. The human mind can rationalize bad habits until they suit our purposes.

Our bad habits can range from unhealthy diets to procrastination and on up the scale to substance addiction. To break a habit a person needs to be actively aware of their thoughts and practice self-discipline. What’s in it for you? Ask yourself why you engage in the negative behavior you want to overcome.

Furthermore, we should think about how our actions affect others. Many people get stuck in this contemplative stage because there isn’t always an immediate negative consequence for many of our bad behaviors. Our culture has a “live for the moment” mentality that blurs the reality of the consequences.

Even when fully educated on the harmful effects of the habit, it is often not enough to make us stop. That “one brownie a day” can turn into the scale “incorrectly” showing five extra pounds before we even realize it.

For many, success is found in the following steps:

Make a conscious choice every day. Which is more important to you — the temporary fix you get from smoking or being able to walk up a flight of stairs without being winded at the top?

Replace the bad behavior with positive behavior. This takes discipline at first and then becomes more automatic. A running routine can be difficult at first but then becomes addicting for many. Don’t be afraid to change the replacement behavior, however, if it is just not working.

Change one habit at a time! You may end up with no change at all if you attempt an “Extreme Makeover.”

Visualize and imagine what life will be like for you when you take control back.

Write down your reasons for desiring change and your plan for change. Tell people about your goals.

Breaking bad habits is possible, however, there is work involved. These steps must be accompanied by active thought processing, perseverance and, for many, prayer or meditation.

/by

Parenting in the Moment

by Amy Steele, Courier & Press, May 22, 2015 –

Parenting is our greatest gift, our greatest joy, and at times, our greatest source of stress. The list of things we want to instill and impart to our children is endless.

We want our children to have a strong moral compass, friends, education, skills, a bright future … on and on. These are not just one-time items we can check off our parenting “to do” list. These are the building blocks we want to continuously add to our children’s foundation.

On top of that, we must attend to the daily routines of after school activities and homework, not to mention our own lives filled with work, obligations, household duties and hobbies (when we can squeeze them in). As parents, we have so much on our minds. For many, living in the moment takes a lot of intentional effort.

Parenting in the moment means that we meet the child in the here and now, regardless of their mood or current situation. We enter the moment with love — with the only focus being the child — just the way he or she is right now.

This is not the time for us to explain, fix, change or adjust anything; we just experience it. We enjoy their smile without making a mental note to schedule an orthodontic evaluation. We listen — really listen — to what they are saying, not correcting their grammar, because what they are saying to us matters more than how they are saying it.

Take time to show and tell your child that you hear their frustrations, you want to learn about their interests and friends, and you enjoy their silliness. When they realize they have your undivided attention, they will gradually begin sharing the “big stuff” with you.

Each day with our children is a gift. Your child will never be this age again, and what we miss out on with our children today we will never get back. In addition, we never know when the “last time” will be that we will read them that favorite book, the one they’ll choose to read to themselves next time; the last time they let us tuck them into bed before they are “too big” to be tucked in anymore; or the last time you have their attention in the car on the way to practice before they start getting their own rides.

Our children deserve our fresh, intentional love and energy, not the leftovers of a busy day. When we give this focus and energy to our children, we can find ourselves and our children more patient, more spontaneous and more connected.

In addition, these intentional focused times with you are motivating to kids. When they feel joined with you and are being heard, increased cooperation often follows; they know that cooperating is a way to continue the closeness they are feeling.

The next time you catch yourself playing a game on your phone, looking at Facebook or doing any of the other countless things that distract us, switch your focus to experiencing the moment with your child. The house will still need cleaning tomorrow, the dishes will still be there and the person calling can leave a message. Being present and in the moment is a gift for you and your child, one that has big lifelong benefits.

/by

Stress Management is Important

By Christine Weinzapfel-Hayden, Courier & Press, May 12, 2015 –

Webster’s dictionary defines stress as “a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation.”

Stress affects all living beings, and parents seem to have more stress than they can handle at times.

Whether you are a working parent, stay-at-home parent, single or married, remaining calm and cool can help you get through the day.

Some parents may be able to refrain from multitasking — talking on the phone, checking email and texting — but others have more difficulty doing this. It is important to manage our stress and be present when we are spending time with family and friends.

Are you taking time out to relax, exercise and do things you enjoy? If so, are you “in the moment” and focusing on what you are doing?

The Child Development Institute has provided a helpful list of proven stress reducers. These may help your daily routine go more smoothly and decrease stress levels for the entire family.

Get up 15 minutes earlier to allow time for inevitable morning mishaps.

Prepare for the morning the evening before. Make lunches, pick out clothes, and have backpacks by the door.

Don’t rely on your memory. Write down appointments or enter them in your phone’s calendar so you receive alerts.

Practice preventive maintenance with your car, home, and appliances.

Be prepared to wait at appointments. A book or magazine can make a wait more pleasant.

Don’t procrastinate! Whatever you want to get done tomorrow, do today.

Plan ahead. Don’t let the gas tank get below one-quarter full. Keep a well-stocked emergency shelf of home staples. Don’t wait until you are down to your last postage stamp to buy more.

Allow 15 extra minutes to get to appointments in case of traffic delays or road construction.

Eliminate or restrict the amount of caffeine in your diet.

Always set up contingency plans “just in case.” For example, if shopping with your family, agree on a central place to meet in case you get separated.

Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn’t get mowed today, and not everything has to be done perfectly.

For every one thing that goes wrong there are probably many blessings we can count. Count them and be thankful.

If you don’t have the time or energy, allow yourself to say no to extra projects, social activities, and invitations.

Turn off your phone for an hour or more. Do something for yourself or spend time with family.

Get enough sleep! Turn off all social media at least an hour before bedtime.

Take deep, slow breaths. When stressed we tend to take short, shallow breaths. Check your breathing throughout the day and take time to relax your muscles.

Journal. Writing your thoughts and feelings down to review or even throw away can help you clarify and gain a new perspective.

Engage in physical activity. Try out a new class at the gym. Ask a friend to go along for accountability and friendship.

Eliminate destructive self-talk like “I am too fat,” “I am not smart,” etc.

Some days will be harder than others. Living one day at a time and taking time out for you will help decrease your family’s stress levels. Managing stress will help you be the best parent you can be.

/by

Master Hardships; Be an Overcomer

By Steve Holzmeyer, Courier & Press, May 5, 2015 –

At the conclusion of this year’s NCAA championship game, most of the focus was on the winning Duke team and their jubilation, but we also saw the sad faces of the Wisconsin players as they suffered from “the agony of defeat.”

Life is like that. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. It is much easier to accept success, but there can also be great opportunity in how we react to the disappointments that we all face from time to time.

Young people are particularly vulnerable to the ups and downs of life. Those of us who are older usually have acquired a greater perspective on things like peer pressure, mistreatment, the loss of a loved one, or the failure to achieve a desired goal. However, for a teenage boy, the loss of a girlfriend can seem like a devastating event from which recovery is uncertain. This is particularly true for those with low self-esteem.

Growing up my feeling of self-worth was very low and was paired with a painfully shy personality. My coping mechanism was to withdraw into a shell with limited personal contact outside of my own family. The failures, disappointments and hurts I encountered led me to isolate myself even further. This was my survival tactic, and it delayed the full development of my personality for many years.

How should I have dealt with this, and how should other young people overcome disappointment?

The first step is to accept that we all fail at times. There will be disappointments. We are going to be treated poorly by others occasionally. There are also going to be tragedies in our lives. This is the reality of life.

But there is much to be learned from failure and loss. Learn to look within yourself and analyze what has happened. What went wrong? What could have been done differently to change or improve the results?

The next step is to create a plan that responds to your difficulty or need in a positive way. Late in my teenage years I developed the habit of getting angry when I failed or felt I had been treated unfairly. However, it was a productive and controlled anger that forced me out of my shell for the purpose of proving people wrong or changing others’ opinions about me. We must sometimes speak up and assert ourselves.

Another way to respond to disappointment is by finding places where you will be accepted and valued. For me, it was becoming involved in the community outreach work of my church. For others it might be volunteering at a nonprofit like Youth First, where you will be welcomed with open arms and lifted up as a valuable part of the mission. Involvement in a meaningful cause will build self-esteem.

Your reaction to failure or hardship is much more important than your reaction to success. You can give up — or you can let disappointment motivate you and spur you on to higher achievement. It was that incredible overcomer Helen Keller who said, “A happy life consists not in the absence, but in the mastery of hardships.” Be an overcomer!

Steve Holzmeyer is controller and office manager for Youth First, Inc., a local nonprofit dedicated to strengthening youth and families. To learn more about Youth First, visit youthfirstinc.org or call 812-421-8336.

 

/by

We Can Work Together to Prevent Child Abuse

By Davi Stein-Kiley, Courier & Press, April 28, 2015 –

Ronny was 14 years old when he and his mother appeared at my door. His mother described an incident that had occurred while Ronny was in the dressing room of a gym. An older man had exposed himself to Ronny.

Ronny was “freaked out” and didn’t know what to do. Only after the same man had exposed himself on four or five more occasions did Ronny finally talk to his mom.

Brittany came to counseling as a 24-year old woman. She was trying to understand why certain sounds and smells created dire panic attacks for her. Brittany had been neglected as a small child (left in her crib, unfed and later left outside the home). Scared and isolated, she had to contend with distress and the distrust of others for many years.

April is National Child Abuse Awareness Month. Abuse and neglect take on many forms. It seems intuitive that child abuse is a “bad thing,” but just how bad are we talking?

According to Prevent Child Abuse Indiana (PCAIN), during 2012 there were 177,382 reports of child abuse and neglect statewide with 20,008 substantiations. (Substantiation means that an investigation took place and the allegation was determined to be true.) Of the substantiated cases, 74 percent were related to neglect, 16 percent from sexual abuse and the remaining 10 percent from physical abuse.

In 2012 the Department of Child Services’ Annual Child Fatality Report reviewed 34 child fatalities that were substantiated for abuse or neglect. Of the deaths reported, 44 percent were due to abuse and 56 percent were due to neglect. Sixty percent of these children were age one or younger. Unfortunately, this trend indicates that young children are at the highest risk of abuse and neglect.

Bessel Van der Kolk’s influential research is steering the conversation that surrounds traumatic life events and how they impact victims. His book, “The Body Keeps the Score,” discusses research efforts toward understanding how the brain is rewired to respond when there is repeated developmental trauma.

Brain changes create long-term consequences rendering fight, flight or freeze responses to sensory cues that are often hidden or unpredictable. The brain over-responds, sensing danger in too many places, triggering overreactions and emotional dysregulation. These responses are often hard to understand and may be viewed as dramatic and/or attention seeking.

According to the Children’s Bureau, each year nearly three million U.S. children experience some form of abuse or maltreatment. This maltreatment is largely perpetrated by a family member or adult caregiver in the child’s life. The American Academy of Pediatrics has noted that psychological maltreatment is the “most challenging and prevalent form” of child abuse and neglect.

Psychological maltreatment involves both emotional abuse and emotional neglect and is the chronic pattern of ignoring a child’s basic emotional needs. When needs go unmet, neglect conveys to the child that he/she is worthless, unloved or unwanted.

We can do better on behalf of our youth and our future. Prevent Child Abuse has a slogan: “No one can do everything. But everyone can do something. And together, we can do anything. Together, we can prevent child abuse!”

Are you concerned about a child you know? For more information, go to pcain.org. Contact the Child Protective Services (CPS) 24-hour hotline at 1-800-800-5556 to report suspected cases of abuse or neglect.

Davi Stein-Kiley is director of social work for Youth First, Inc., a regional nonprofit organization dedicated to strengthening youth and families. Learn more by visiting youthfirstinc.org or calling 812-421-8336.

 

/by

Studying Abroad Expands Horizons

By Margery Gianopoulos, Courier & Press, April 21, 2015 – Is your college student thinking about studying abroad? My daughter left in January to study in Greece for the spring semester. From the very beginning her dad and I were very supportive. We knew what a great experience it would be and loved the idea that she would be in Greece where we still have family and her grandparents were born.

However, as the time got closer for her to leave, our fears kicked in. Would she be able to figure out how to get places? How would she do with the language? Would she make good choices? And most importantly — would she be safe?

As our daughter’s departure came closer, I found I was constantly talking to her about safety. With recent acts of terrorism taking place around the world, having our daughter that far away was frightening. Just as the movie “Jaws” made us leery of swimming in the ocean, the movie “Taken,” starring Liam Neeson, has heightened our concerns for students studying abroad.

Letting your children go and do things on their own is one of the healthiest things a parent can do. Whether it’s going down the slide at the playground when they are 3 or flying across the ocean to study as a young adult, trusting that it will be OK is incredibly important for both the parent and child.

Our daughter has grown so much in just the two short months she’s been gone. She has had experiences that will stay with her forever, and studying abroad has amazing benefits.

The Institute for the International Education of Students surveyed alumni from all of their study abroad programs from 1950-1999. No matter where the students went to study or the length of the program, the data shows that studying abroad is usually a defining moment in a young person’s life and continues to impact their life for years after the experience.

I feel I have grown as a parent, too. I still have concerns about her safety, but she has proved she makes good choices. Trusting that she can take care of herself is very rewarding. I am letting go of control, and that’s not easy, but I’m proud of myself for doing it. It helps that we text almost daily through Viber and connect on Facebook. Seeing her pictures makes me wish I was there to experience these things with her.

If you have a child who is interested in studying abroad, encourage them to do so. Here are some tips that might make letting go easier:

Keep in mind that violent crime is rare and the majority of study-abroad programs are incident free.

Have a communication plan. How often will you hear from them? Can you Skype or video-chat? Set a time each week when you will connect.

Ask your child to let you know their itinerary when they travel to other countries. Know who are they traveling with, and get the name and contact information of roommates and others in their program.

The advantages of our daughter studying abroad have definitely outweighed our fears. We are certainly anxious to see her again, hear her stories, and see the changes this experience has made in her.

 

/by