Listening to Understand

By Alice Munson, Courier & Press, August 4, 2015 –

I feel fairly sure most of us believe we know how to listen. You may be thinking, “How complicated could it be?”

As a Youth First social worker, I do a lot of listening. As graduate social work students we were introduced to the book, “Active Listening,” by Carl R. Rogers and Richard E. Farson, and the term “active listening.” Some graduate students assumed this would be easy because, after all, who doesn’t know how to listen? It was hard to imagine this was a skill we would actually have to learn and practice.

Rogers and Farson define active listening as “listening to and confirming an understanding of what another says as well as the emotions and feelings underlying the message. Goal: to ensure that understanding is accurate so instructions can be directed to the student’s (person’s) actual needs and the student can be encouraged to engage with the material.”

Rogers and Farson state the basics of active listening as:

  • Responding to feelings (nonverbal cues)
  • Listening for total meaning without judgment
  • Feeding back to the speaker what is heard

Whew! Sounds like a major process, doesn’t it? But the truth is most of us are probably doing much of it already.

An anonymous person once said, “Every good conversation starts with good listening.” This is the Cliff Notes version of active listening and says it all. It assumes that good listeners listen attentively.

Isn’t this a skill we teach our young children? Is there a parent alive who has not said, “Please listen” to their young child? Then we often ask for feedback by saying, “What did I just say?”. Eventually we get to the stage where we feel confident our children are actually hearing what we say.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Stephen R. Covey, author of the Seven Habits series: “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

I know that when I first read this, I was surprised in the simple truth of that statement, and it has served as a reminder to me to slow down and pay attention when I am feeling rushed. It also helps us re-evaluate our intentions and concentrate on the speaker instead of ourselves. The more we practice the more it becomes a habit. In the words of Marge Piercy, “If you want to be listened to you should put in the time listening.”

One of my favorite quotes is, “The word LISTEN contains the same letters as SILENT,” by Alfred Brendel. The words in this quote can actually do more than increase your chances to score in a game of Words with Friends.

When we listen it is sometimes hard to remain silent. Mentally reviewing our to-do list, thinking about future appointments or planning what to make for dinner can easily intrude into our listening. Often others are aware of our distraction even if we are not. If we cannot clearly hear another’s words, how can we discern what that person is hoping to share with us?

Another favorite quote for social workers and others is from Leo Buscaglia: “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”

You may be surprised about what you discover by listening to yourself and others. It’s easier than you think; just try it.

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Vacation Travel With Kids

By Ali Langen, Courier & Press, July 28, 2015 –

Summer brings lots of great things like warm weather, pool time and vacations. We’re heading north to Minnesota this year for our family vacation, a 16-hour car ride.

When it was just my husband and me it was a pretty easy drive. Now that we have a wonderfully active 2-year old, the ride will be a little different. My goal for this trip is to limit screen time (TV shows, movies, games on the phone and iPad) and still keep him entertained.

When planning for the drive, the first thing to consider was our son’s attention span and maturity level. He turned 2 a few months ago, and like most other toddlers, he is very high-energy.

Coloring with crayons and markers typically means he has multiple self-drawn “tattoos”. He does tend to color off the page and onto any surface that looks interesting, so it isn’t practical to do a lot of coloring. We will also stay away from any small objects that could be a choking hazard.

Since we live in age social media, I took to Facebook to ask other parents how they entertain their kids on long drives. The response was great and I got a lot of feedback. Popular suggestions were the classic Etch-a-Sketch, travel tunes and a variety of snacks. Some parents mentioned particular brands such as Melissa & Doug (www.melissaanddoug.com) that carry travel toys and activities for kids of all ages.

While these were all great suggestions, I knew I had to find more travel entertainment for my toddler. My next step was to go back to the drawing board and look up ideas on Pinterest. If you aren’t familiar with Pinterest, you must try this free website that allows users to save — also known as “pin” — inspirational ideas and projects.

After logging in, I typed “toddler entertainment for car ride” in the search bar, and an entire page of creative and easy suggestions popped up. There was even an entire blog post devoted to another mom’s experience from a 16-hour car ride with her toddler and preschooler. Her suggestions included fun window clings and an eye-spy game with handmade binoculars fashioned from recycled paper towel rolls.

In addition to this mom’s blog, there was a surplus of other good suggestions. I considered each, bearing in mind whether or not the idea was age-appropriate and a good fit for my son’s personality and temperament.

Because of the long duration of our trip, we will be making stops so we can get out and stretch our legs. My goal is to plan the drive so we can stop at restaurants that have playgrounds for him to swing and go down the slide. This will help break up the trip and hopefully wear him out while we eat and take breaks.

One of our favorite fast-food restaurants is Chick-fil-A. Their website has an app where you can plan a trip by entering start and end locations, and it will pull up all of the Chick-fil-A restaurants along the way.

The Internet and other parents in your network can be great resources when looking for advice or suggestions. To search for more travel activities, look online or use specific websites like Pinterest. Having plenty of activities to amuse your child will make the time go by much faster.

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Help Children With Reading Skills

By Heather Miller, Courier & Press, July 21, 2015 –

“Why do we have to read every day? It’s summer!” protests my nine-year-old son.

Amid groans and moans, the steadfast rule remains — 20 minutes of reading out loud daily. I grow tired of giving my list of explanations and often want to just give in, but the importance of helping my children learn to read and do well is too important to negotiate.

I like to equate reading time to brushing teeth, a preventive measure to help ensure issues later on in life (like cavities) are less likely to occur. My oldest struggles to be at grade level in reading, making it much more important to me to continue encouraging — and at times insisting — that reading practice happens.

According to the National Institute for Direct Instruction, poor reading performance in children may lead to anxiety, depression, inattentiveness, frustration, anti-social behaviors and even aggression. Furthermore, by secondary grades, most children are aware of their difficulties in reading, thus adding low self-esteem and low motivation to the list of issues that may result from poor reading performance.

The following five ideas may assist parents or caregivers with helping their child(ren) improve reading skills:

Make reading a scheduled part of your family’s day. Placing the same level of importance on reading (to your child as well as having your child read to you) as eating dinner will help ensure reading time is completed daily. After a few weeks, reading time will be simply part of your family’s day without thinking about it.

Many books are now movies. Before watching the movie, have your child read the book if possible. If your child wants to watch the Star Wars movies, check out the large selection of Star Wars books available at local libraries first. Paddington is a great selection for younger children. There are many books about Paddington that can be followed by the movie.

Check out Pinterest for ideas. There are many activities and resources to assist with encouraging literacy during childhood. Simple games such as Candyland can be adapted to teach sight words to school-aged children.

Make receiving a new book a treat. For Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Easter, birthdays or as rewards, pick up a book to give as a gift. There are many books at dollar stores that provide an economical way to promote reading. Helping children associate books and reading with excitement will help engage them in becoming a reader.

Model. In this case, it is important to “practice what you preach.” Allow your children to visibly see you spending time reading. Demonstrate the importance of reading over checking Facebook or watching TV. This will provide legitimacy when you encourage your children to make similar choices.

If you believe your child is struggling to read, contact your child’s teacher to voice any concerns and get ideas on how to help. If you are concerned that your child is having behavioral issues or low self-esteem due to reading concerns, your school’s Youth First Social Worker will be equipped to help you address these issues.

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What to Expect With Today’s Full-Day Kindergarten

By Alice Munson, Courier & Press, July 13, 2015 –

If you have a little one starting kindergarten in a few weeks, you are probably wondering what to expect. Welcome to a whole new world! It’s definitely not your mother’s kindergarten.

I recently reviewed some 8×10 photos of my kindergarten experience. It appears that my half-day classes concentrated on finger-painting, story time, and playing with dollhouses, fueled by snacks to keep up our energy.

For picture day we were all dressed in our Sunday best. Not surprisingly, my family studied these old photos much like an archeologist might study a fossil.

Today’s full-day kindergarten is a world away from the past. Here are some things that today’s teachers would like parents to know.

Academic standards are much more rigorous than in the past due to preparation for standardized testing. Today’s kindergarten work is closer to what used to be expected of first graders. However, most children are better prepared thanks to preschool, public library programs, etc.

School is so much more than basic math skills and reading. These building blocks prepare students for the more complex subjects they will tackle later.

If you are enthusiastic about learning, your child will be too. It is natural to have some fear of the unknown, but you can make this transition a positive experience.

Developing a good relationship with the teacher is a great help. Liz Blek, president of the National Kindergarten Alliance, stresses, “Parents and kindergarten teachers need to get to know each child … to correctly assess needs, abilities, interests, and learning style to provide the optimum learning environment.”

Additionally, local kindergarten teachers from several schools said they would like parents to know the following:

Safety is their No. 1 priority. Please complete all forms distributed at the beginning of school. It is important to keep emergency contact numbers up-to-date as jobs and phone numbers change. If your child has a medical problem such as asthma or severe allergies, ask your health care provider about keeping an EpiPen or inhaler at school. The school nurse should also be notified of any changes.

Don’t let that cute new backpack turn into a black hole. Empty it daily. Lots of important information is sent home, and it is important to check homework to see what your child is learning.

Help your child master hygiene skills such as sneezing/coughing into the elbow, washing hands, and using the bathroom independently. Self-sufficient children give the teacher more time to teach.

Teachers appreciate communication with parents, but the beginning or end of the school day is busy. Email or phone calls work well so that parent concerns can be given uninterrupted time. Always contact the teacher before contacting an administrator. If an issue can’t be resolved with the teacher, an administrator can take it from there.

If something serious has happened at home (sudden illness, death, parental separation, etc.), please let the teacher know as much as you are comfortable disclosing. Your child may demonstrate changes in behavior, attitude, and work habits. Understanding the family situation allows for additional support for both family and child. The Youth First school social worker may also be helpful.

Kindergarten is the beginning of a parent/school partnership. The school staff realizes children come to school with different levels of readiness, and your child will develop in his own way and time as he is educated and nurtured.

It is wonderful to watch your child’s excitement for learning blossom. By the end of the school year, you will be surprised how your little one has grown in every way.

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Helping Your Child Deal With Death

by Dena Embrey – Courier & Press – July 7, 2015 –

During recent months our community has experienced the tragic deaths of several children and adolescents. This tough reality is one most adults struggle to understand, because children aren’t supposed to die. What about the impact a child’s death has on other children (i.e. classmates, teammates, friends, and family)?

The first instinct of parents and caregivers might be to protect their child from the loss and inevitable grieving process, but shielding children from the loss may do more harm than good. According to the National Alliance for Grieving Children, parents should be honest and open with children about the death and not be afraid to use words like “dead” or “die.”

We must also be careful not to be too vague about how the person died. Telling children the truth builds trust and creates an open line of communication for questions they may have later. Children understand far more than we give them credit for, and by withholding details we risk leaving them to process complicated information on their own.

There is no right or wrong way for children to grieve, and their reactions depend on several factors: age, developmental level, relationship with the deceased, previous life experiences, and family and social support. Some children may want to talk about the person who died, while others may have little reaction and act as though everything is fine. It is important to listen and strive to understand the child’s unique reaction and not assume what he/she might be feeling.

As adults we often avoid talking about the deceased for fear that we will intensify our child’s feelings of grief. This, however, might send the wrong message to our children, making them feel that they should not talk about the person who died or that they are the only one grieving.

Acknowledging and expressing our own feelings of grief can give children permission to express their feelings. If your child seems frightened or overly concerned by your expressions of grief, explain to them how you are feeling and reassure them that you will be OK.

Another way to help children understand they are not alone is to encourage them to spend time with friends and peers who are also impacted by the death. Friends and family can be excellent sources of support during the grieving process.

Just as children grieve in their own way, they also grieve in their own time. As a parent you may worry that your child’s period of grieving is lasting too long. As children have the opportunity to express their feelings, share their memories, and process the death, their grief will begin to decrease in intensity.

However, grief is a lifelong journey and has no time limit. It is not uncommon for children to experience grief during different life stages. Be patient, willing to listen, and help normalize your child’s feelings. Grief is a normal reaction to the loss of someone significant in our lives. Grief is not a problem that can be fixed by adults; it is an experience the child is living.

If you have concerns about your child’s reaction to a recent loss and feel his/her grief is not within normal limits or expectations, seek help from a mental health provider in your community. More information about childhood grief can be found on websites for The National Child Trauma Stress Network (nctsn.org) or the National Alliance for Grieving Children (nationalallianceforgrievingchildren.org).

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Co-Parenting After Divorce

By Lisa Cossey – Courier & Press – June 30, 2015 –   In a perfect world, all marriages would have the “happily ever after” promised in fairy tales. Unfortunately, in the real world, some marriages end in divorce. For families in this situation the divorce may end the marriage, but it does not end the need to raise children together.

Some couples have no issues co-parenting beyond divorce; others have great challenges. For couples who are struggling, there are several things to consider when determining the best way to communicate.

First and foremost, it is helpful to remember to love your child more than you dislike your former spouse. Young children will continue to grow and have birthday parties, holidays, extracurricular activities, graduations, weddings, births of their own children, etc. On all of these occasions for years beyond the divorce, you will most likely have to interact with your former spouse. So why not set a good foundation for communication?

In addition to making your life smoother, parents who are able to communicate and interact well with one another set a good example when the children see parents working together. Remember, you are modeling appropriate communication and behavior for your children; therefore, respectful interactions are key. Some situations can be emotionally charged, and if you find it is too difficult to interact with your former spouse, reframe your thinking about the situation.

The marriage and personal relationship have ended, so think of the relationship now as a business partnership. When communicating, focus on the children and set a matter-of-fact tone using appropriate language. Make requests of your former spouse; don’t make demands.

In addition to showing respect for one another in front of the children, make sure you are respectful when the other parent isn’t around. The two parents may no longer love each other, but the children love both parents. Placing them in the middle to listen to negativity or complaints about the other parent only hurts the children.

Avoid making your child the messenger. This only puts unnecessary stress and pressure on the child. Boundaries should be set and maintained. Let the children be children. Don’t burden them with the adult responsibility of communication between parents.

If communication between parents in person or by phone is something that cannot be managed, email or texting are other options to consider. When using these methods, remember to keep the tone professional and stick to the topic to be addressed.

If you receive an emotional or heated email or text, give yourself a calming period and wait at least an hour before responding. This time allows you to compose your thoughts and rationally respond instead of sending a heated message back, adding fuel to the fire. Remember, you can only control yourself and your responses, so maintain focus on your own behavior and communication.

For parents who absolutely cannot communicate without a breakdown, there are resources available to make necessary communication easier and tolerable. Websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com and www.cozi.com help divorced families with interactions. At www.cozi.com, families can create their own family calendar to manage visitation, scheduling of events, and communication between parents.

Healthy marriages and family life are what we strive for. But if “happily ever after” did not work out, consider these options when communicating and building your family life after divorce.

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Set Boundaries for Kids With Cell Phones

By Katie Omohundro, Courier & Press, June 23, 2015 – Are you thinking about getting your child her first cellphone? Or perhaps you have a child that is already too attached to their electronic device.

Cellphones are a great way to stay in touch with your child; however, there are certainly some challenges that go along with extending this privilege. To help manage these challenges, you might consider having your child sign a cellphone contract.

According to research from the National Consumers League, around 50 percent of “tweens” (kids between the ages of 8 and 12) have cellphones that range from standard, basic phones with no texting or web access to smartphones with limitless possibilities.

How do you know your tween is ready for a phone? Answering a few questions can help you decide.

  • Why does your tween want a cellphone?
  • Does your tween show responsibility and self-discipline in other areas such as school, chores, and sports?
  • Does your tween lose important objects?
  • How much does your tween know about appropriate phone use?

I once read that when teaching children to ride a bike, we don’t start them off with the top-of-the-line 10-speed without training wheels. The same should apply when giving your child their first cellphone.

Once you’ve decided it’s time for your child to have a phone, it’s important to set boundaries. Here are some example items for a contract between you and your child when it comes to cellphone usage:

1. Responsibilities:

  • My parents will know the passwords on my phone. I understand they have the right to look at my phone any time they ask.
  • I will always answer calls from my parents. If I miss a call from them, I will call back immediately.
  • I will keep the phone charged at all times.
  • I will show my parents any harassing phone calls or texts, including those from unknown people.
  • I will hand my phone to one of my parents promptly at ____ p.m. every school night and every weekend night at ____ p.m. I will get the phone back at ____ a.m.

2. Behavior:

  • I understand my behavior on my phone can affect my future reputation. I will not engage in sexting, spreading rumors, or hateful conversations. If my friends try to get me to engage in this behavior, I will show my parents the phone immediately.
  • When I am old enough, I will not text and drive. I know this is very dangerous.
  • I will use good cellphone manners. I will not text when in the company of friends and family. I will turn off my phone (or put it on vibrate) while at the movies, at dinner, or in public.

3. Consequences — The cellphone will be taken away for any of the following:

  • Homework not completed
  • Chores left unfinished
  • Cellphone use at school
  • Ignoring people to be on the phone in public

The best way to get buy-in for the contract is to model the same behavior for your personal cellphone usage. If you text while driving or use your phone late at night, how can you expect your child to behave differently?

Lastly, remember that as a parent, you are the owner of the cellphone your child uses. If your child is not following the contract, the phone should be taken away. After all, you love your child and want the best for them.

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Ideas for Summer Family Fun

by Tiffany Austin, Courier & Press, June 16, 2015 –

When it comes to summer fun, many parents find themselves searching for things that will keep their children happy, busy and interested. Good news! There are plenty of enjoyable and inexpensive activities out there.

Here are some ideas to help parents start an interest list of enjoyable, affordable fun.

First, think “traditional fun.” As parents, we sometimes overthink what would be enjoyable for our child. Sometimes giving your child simple toys like a hula hoop, sidewalk chalk, jump rope, board game or bubbles can go a long way. These inexpensive items can keep your child happy for hours.

Next, take “traditional fun” to the next level. Fill a kiddie pool with water and dish soap and use a hula hoop to make huge bubbles. Use a jump rope for a competitive game of limbo or tug of war. Allow your child to have a game, movie or glamour night with friends. Go for a bike ride along the river instead of around the block. Take lunches to a local park for a picnic. Use a pool noodle to hit floating balloons, or use green, red, blue and yellow spray paint on the grass to make an outdoor Twister board. There are limitless possibilities!

Cool down outdoor fun by adding water to your child’s play. Play a batting game and use water balloons in place of a ball, use a sprinkler during any outdoor game, or begin a water war by using spray bottles, water balloons, etc. as a safe and creative way to drench the opposing team.

At night, take the fun outside. Use a flashlight for a nighttime scavenger hunt. Float glow sticks in the pool for a nighttime swim, or open up a few glow sticks and add the inner liquid to a bottle of bubbles. You can also place glow liquid inside balloons, blow them up and grab a water noodle for some outdoor glow batting fun.

Lastly, if you and your child choose to go to local events, facilities, or attractions, remember there are ways to save on these activities. Take a good report card to a local participating ice cream shop, restaurant, or game center (for example, Chuck E. Cheese) to redeem for free or discounted items/tokens.

Try to visit local establishments on a family night. These nights are offered at some restaurants, local health facilities (like the YMCA), skating rinks and community pools to allow the usage of the facilities at a discounted rate.

In addition, public libraries offer free kid-friendly activities and summer reading programs. As a reward for reaching certain reading milestones during the program, children are usually offered free coupons to take to local businesses to redeem for treats and activities. Also keep in mind websites or apps like Groupon offer meals, items, and tickets to attractions at a discounted price.

These helpful tips can help any parent get started with some safe, inexpensive summer fun ideas for their child. For additional summer fun ideas, search online or use specific websites/apps like Pinterest. Remember, creativity, time, and love go a long way toward helping your child have a fun and memorable summer!

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Caring Adults Can See Invisible Kids

By Parri O. Black, Courier & Press, June 10, 2015 –

Sadly, in nearly every high school, there are invisible kids sitting in classrooms and wandering the halls. In the magical world of super heroes, invisibility is a powerful weapon, but in the real world of everyday teens, it’s often an unperceived sign of trouble.

Recently, a friend joined me to watch students graduate from a Youth First program for teens who are at risk of dropping out of school. They were a diverse group of young people struggling with all sorts of challenges, including difficult home lives, depression, anger, anxiety, substance abuse, and much more. Some were teen moms; others had parents in prison.

My friend, who is just a few years older than the program’s graduates, shared her dismay, saying: “I never saw these kids when I was in high school.”

They were there, but to her, they were invisible. That’s because her sights were set on succeeding in school and in life. She had her own set of problems, but she also had three key assets that every child needs and deserves:

  • Caring adults (preferably parents) who love and support them
  • Dreams and goals for the future
  • Resiliency or the skills to bounce back from adversity

Youth who are raised without these resources face lots of hardships and cause lots of heartache. They become victims of abuse, bullies, school dropouts, unemployable, homeless, addicts, criminals, prison inmates, and those who kill or die as a result of their behaviors.

If we overlook these kids, we become part of the problem, but if we open our eyes, we can become part of the solution. It pays to pay attention to the children around us and make sure they have the support they need. If it’s not a parent or another relative, caring adults in a child’s life can be a teacher, mentor, counselor, minister, neighbor, or friend.

Youth First’s School Social Workers often meet that need. They help motivate students to focus on the future and set goals to achieve their dreams. They also help kids develop coping, communication, and social skills to navigate life’s inevitable challenges.

Unfortunately, when school is out during the summer, many kids are also without a positive role model. Mentors through Big Brothers Big Sisters (bbbsevansville.org) or similar programs provide invaluable support for vulnerable youngsters, and there is always a need for more adults who are willing to give a little of their time and attention to a child.

Removing a teen’s well-worn “cloak of invisibility” can sometimes require some specific skill sets. By that age, the problems often seem insurmountable, but as my friend witnessed at the Youth First graduation, given the right kind of support, troubled teens can step into the spotlight and connect to a brighter future.

You can see for yourself by taking the blinders off and volunteering to help a school, church, or community organization devoted to healthy youth development. Caring adults who recognize the invisible kids are true super heroes.

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“Why Try” Program Teaches Students Respect

by Callie Sanders, Courier & Press, June 2, 2015 –

Youth First uses the “Why Try” program in area schools to teach resiliency, respect for self and others, and everyday success. Many of the lessons from this program can be carried forward and applied to daily living.

Students receive knowledge and tools that will help them handle stress and cope with difficult situations and differences in others. More importantly, class members create a bond and know they are not alone.

One lesson that usually resonates with students is “Tearing Off Labels.” Canned goods are used to draw an analogy that everyone is labeled. We discuss how some labels are good and some are bad.

In a group setting, students usually do a wonderful job identifying positive and negative labels. Further discussion identifies strategies to receive and keep positive labels as well as skills that can be used to overcome negative ones. Students are given the freedom to choose which label they prefer. They are also challenged to remain open and “not judge a book by its cover” when it comes to differences in others.

The “Why Try” program encourages self-efficacy. Self-efficacy has been defined as one’s belief in his/her ability to succeed in certain situations.

Class members are encouraged to look inward and focus on the “Real Me” through a series of thought provoking questions:

  • What do I like about myself?
  • What do others like about me?
  • What have I accomplished?
  • What are my strengths, goals and dreams?
  • If I had to label myself, what would the label be?

Answers must be positive, and group members are asked to answer questions honestly. This task can be daunting for students with low self-esteem and those who choose to hang on to negative labels.

Therefore, the concept of “self-talk” is introduced. Students begin to understand the power in our thoughts. Are their thoughts positive or negative? They learn that how we view ourselves has a direct correlation to how we treat ourselves and others.

The lesson also teaches four proactive steps to get rid of labels:

  • Stop living up to your label. Prove your label wrong!
  • Remember, it is easy to prove that your label is true; just keep doing the same things.
  • Your label is from the past. Today you either need to keep it or start tearing it off.
  • Let the “Real Me” out so much that past negative labels must be torn off.

These four proactive steps encourage students to use the techniques learned to help face everyday challenges they deal with personally and inter-personally.

Improved self-esteem is a catalyst for better behavior, which can lead to tearing off negative labels and promoting positives ones. The goal is to motivate students to accept themselves and others. I encourage students to embrace their individuality and to not be afraid to embrace others and their differences.

Why try? There is always room for personal growth even when others remain stagnant and hold on to their labels. Never give up!

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