Tag Archive for: Aisha Givens

Am I Worrying Too Much?

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By Aisha Givens, LCSW – June 16, 2021 –

As parents, we often worry about our children. It’s part of the job. We worry when they are young and continue to worry as they grow into teenagers and adults. Being concerned about your child is a healthy and appropriate feeling. However, constant or excessive worrying can be detrimental to both parent and child. This is known as parental paranoia.

Parental paranoia is constant supervision of a child. This type of paranoia often leads parents to limit their child’s activities to ensure that an adult is always present to observe and control the child’s behavior. This kind of attention can suppress creativity and prevents independent thinking. It can also negatively affect a child’s personal relationships later in life.

When I was a child, my parents gave us rules, but many of us freely wandered our neighborhoods. This was just another part of growing up. I remember walking to the store at least three blocks away at the age of four with my five-year-old brother and his five-year-old friend. 

“Adult geographic solidarity,” or lack thereof, plays a role in the parental paranoia we see in today’s society. We all know the saying, “It takes a village.” The village in the past was usually made up of family members and friends who all lived in the same neighborhood. This gave children the opportunity to freely roam, like I used to when I was a child.

Since extended families generally no longer share backyards or neighborhoods, it leaves today’s parents without the reassurance that their children are safely in the hands of other trusted adults.

These days, most parents don’t allow the same freedoms to their children that many of us enjoyed when we were young. The world has changed so much since then. When my girls were eleven years old and wanted to go the mall for the first time without me, my immediate thought was “Are they going to be safe?”

All of us have these questions about safety. They are normal and healthy responses to perceived risk. However, it is important to remember that in our constantly modernizing world, children are much safer today than during our childhoods.

Today’s most common parenting styles require parents to be observant about safety, which is a good thing in moderation. Most socialization is organized in the form of sports teams, play dates, and extracurricular activities.

These activities are wonderful ways for children to form bonds with each other without direct adult supervision. Make an effort to take a step back in situations like these and take comfort in the fact that don’t you have to worry.  

Ultimately, you want your children to be responsible, respected, and successful. Too much parental observation can add to a child’s stress and anxiety and take away opportunities for children to gain independence. Hovering and micromanaging reduces their ability to lead their own lives.

Strive to find a balance and allow your children the space to learn and grow independently from you. Think about what will happen when it’s time for them to leave home. Will they be ready to face the world, having been protected from it throughout their lives?

Childhood is meant to provide an emotionally secure grounding and a space for freedom, play, and learning from mistakes. Give your children that space and freedom to become their best selves.

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Blended Families Can Work

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By Aisha Givens, LCSW – July 16, 2019

Blended families or stepfamilies are more common than ever. These families form when two partners make a life together with children from previous relationships. When families blend, it is rarely a smooth or easy process.

These new families often form after a death, divorce, or separation of the birth parents. The transition to a new family unit can be very confusing and uncomfortable for children.

Children may feel they must choose between loving their original family or loving their new blended family. They may feel they will hurt someone’s feelings if they love someone new. They may be worried about how their relationships with their natural parents will change or how their relationships with their new parent and siblings will evolve.

Blending families creates a new dynamic, one where every person must find their role. Trying to replicate your first family can set you all up for confusion and disappointment. Instead, embrace your new family with the respect it deserves and allow for change and new growth.

The following are ways to build a stronger blended family and help children heal from the grief, disappointment, and resentment that can result from the loss or separation of their biological parents:

  • Positive Reinforcement – Give encouragement and praise to children often. Find ways to make them feel appreciated and valued.
  • Love – Give them positive attention and show them they are loved every day.
  • Safety and Security – The children may have had at least one family fall apart or one parent leave or die, so they need to feel very safe and secure in this new family.
  • Expectations and Boundaries – Talk to your new partner about parenting styles before your family blends. It’s best for the new parent to ease into a role of authority, but it is very important that both parents agree on how to parent all of the children before situations arise.
  • Patience – Children deal with a wide range of feelings during the transition into a new family. It is important to remember that any new bad behaviors may be a result of their confusing emotions. Love and patience are necessary.
  • Communication – Give children your undivided attention as often as possible. Prompt them to talk about their feelings and let them know they can be honest with you. Open communication with your children can be the best thing for all of you.
  • New Experiences – Create new memories as you experience new activities together. Take family trips, go on picnics, have game nights, paint together. Find things to do that you will all enjoy and make new, happy memories for the children. Take photos of your new blended family to hang in your home.
  • Family Meetings – As you are all adjusting to the new family unit, it is a great idea to hold regular family meetings and let each person speak their truth without being judged. This can be a time to talk about rules, feelings, events, or absolutely anything.
  • Respect – It is impossible to force all family members to like one another, but you can insist that everyone respect each other.
  • Limit Expectations – You may feel that you give a lot of time, energy, love, and attention to your partner’s children and get very little in return immediately. Think of it as an investment that will yield a great return one day.

You could do all of the right things and the children may still reject the new parents and resent your new family, but if you are consistent and genuine it will allow the children to know you are sincere.

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Empathy is an Important Skill You Can Teach Your Kids

By Aisha Givens, LSW – March 6, 2018 –

Have you ever noticed that if someone in your general vicinity yawns it kicks off a series of yawns from all those in the immediate area?

Scientific studies have shown that yawning is a form of empathy. Depending upon your age and how close your relationship is, you may yawn because you empathize with them being tired; you may also smile when you see a friend’s happy smile or cry if you observe a loved one crying.

Empathy can be a biological function, but more than often it is a learned behavior.

According to the Merriam Webster Dictionary, empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another person.

Is it important to teach empathy to our children? The answer is yes. Research shows that empathetic children grow up to become more successful adults when compared to children who lack empathetic skills. Empathy helps us to influence and inspire others as well as better manage personal relationships and social networks.

But how do we impart empathetic skills to our children?  It may be easier than you think.

Here are three basic skills you can teach your child this week that would build their capacity towards empathy:

  1. Reduce or eliminate negative conversations about family, friends or strangers. Children will model your behavior and speak negatively or gossip about others if they hear you doing so. Instead, encourage your child to discuss or wonder about the feelings of people who are vulnerable or whom you may have spoken negatively about in the past.
  2. Provide an opportunity for your child to practice empathy. Hold a family meeting and provide your child with an opportunity to listen to others’ viewpoints while allowing the child to be heard and acknowledged in a non-judgmental and genuine environment.
  3. Educate your child about body language. If you notice them with their arms crossed, head down, a smile on their face, slumped shoulders or any other body language or posture, talk about it. i.e. “I’ve noticed you have your head down with your arms crossed. What’s going on?” or “Wow, your eyes are wide open with a huge grin on your face. What’s making you smile today?”

These are few very simple tips for helping your child or teen become more empathetic to others. Set your child up for success. Understanding the emotions and perspectives of others is foundational for building relationships and becoming a well-rounded and complete individual.

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