Tag Archive for: Deena Bodine

Parenting Your Teen Through Heartbreak

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By Deena Bodine, MSW, LCSW, Youth First, Inc.

Parenting presents many rewards and challenges. Watching our children grow into teenagers who are working to manage demands, grow more independent, and build interpersonal relationships is one of those rewarding experiences. 

During the adolescent years, our teens are likely to experience milestones, including an interest in more romantic relationships as well as developing a deeper capacity for sharing in relationships that are more intimate. We, as parents, can be caught off guard when our child experiences heartbreak.  

As adults, we may look back fondly on memories of our first love, or we may cringe while remembering what we thought was love. Our children’s experiences can often evoke responses from us rooted in our own personal experiences. At times, it can be challenging to know how to best support and encourage our children. Heartbreak is no exception. 

First, our initial response in this situation should be to listen to our child. Listening allows our child to explore and process their thoughts and feelings without interference. This can be a challenge for us because we have spent so much of their lives offering suggestions and advice. 

Second, we should validate their feelings. Heartbreak is an example of grief and loss, and with that may come feelings of sadness, anger, and guilt—not unlike those emotions experienced with the death of a loved one. Validation involves tuning into your child, acknowledging their feelings without ignoring, dismissing, or judging.  

Following a breakup, it can be common to distance yourself from others. While it can be beneficial for your teen to take time for themselves, it is also important for teens to stay connected. Discuss finding a balance between taking time for themselves and connecting with others. 

Keeping busy with activities your teen enjoys can do wonders for the healing process. While it may be a challenge for your teen to avoid their ex, especially if they attend the same school or have the same circle of friends, encourage your teen to set healthy boundaries. This includes online too. Encourage your teen to practice healthy social media habits and limit posting or commenting online regarding their relationship. They may choose to limit messaging or online interactions with their ex as well. 

Lastly, assist your teen in maintaining their routine as much as possible. Check on their health habits, including sleep and staying active. Encourage your teen to talk with family and friends who can support them. Help your teen recognize the positives of a breakup, which include learning more about themselves as well as what they want (or don’t want) in future relationships. 

If your teen is struggling to move on following a breakup, or if feeling unsafe in any way, it is important to advocate for help on their behalf. Encourage your teen to talk to someone they trust. If these feelings are affecting daily life, stopping them from doing things they enjoy, or have lasted longer than a couple of weeks, it may be beneficial for your teen to talk with their physician or a counselor. 

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Recharge Your Brain with Downtime

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By Deena Bodine, LCSW – Updated July 7, 2022 –

As a Youth First Social Worker, I have been fortunate to facilitate several Reconnecting Youth programs with small groups of high school students. One semester, the group I was working with selected some inspirational “pay it forward” activities to complete.

One of the activities involved writing encouraging messages on Post-It notes that we placed anonymously on student lockers. One of the students penned, “Think smarter, not harder” as her words of encouragement. Her message inspired me to think about how easy it could be to prioritize self-care by simply taking a pause.

Our kids are faced with high expectations at school with fewer opportunities to unwind through recess and the arts. On top of this, so many of them are navigating busy extracurricular and social calendars. The same can be said about our adult calendars.

This non-stop agenda doesn’t allow for much downtime. Downtime gives our brains the opportunity to refresh, recharge, and make sense of what we have recently learned or experienced. Downtime can be characterized in three forms, all of which are important for the health of our brains. 

  1. Getting good quality sleep. There is a great deal of information about the importance of sleep. I have witnessed the effects of inadequate or interrupted sleep firsthand in myself and my children. I’m guilty of sacrificing sleep for the sake of more urgent tasks, but it’s important to remember the role of sleep and its impact on our health and brain function.
  1. Idleness or time spent awake doing nothing. Examples of this include lying awake at night before falling asleep or meditation. Meditation allows us to refresh our ability to concentrate and attend to tasks more efficiently.
  1. Time spent on mundane tasks. Mundane tasks are also essential for learning. These tasks, such as feeding a pet, putting toys away, or cleaning a room give learners a much needed break from sustained brain activity.

Even closing your eyes, taking one deep breath, and exhaling can help refresh the brain and takes practically no time. Carving out some time at the end of the day or the end of the week to engage in meditation or mindfulness is good practice.

Other great opportunities for downtime include vacations and holiday breaks. Placing an abrupt pause on busy extracurricular and academic schedules during these times may feel jarring at first, but it can be incredibly beneficial for our brains and overall mental health. 

In the wise words of a high schooler, we need to “think smarter, not harder” and allow our brains more downtime. Fitting downtime into busy schedules is easier said than done, but it is well worth the effort.

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Navigating Parent-Teacher Communication

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By Deena Bodine, LCSW – September 21, 2021 –

Research has shown that students are more successful academically when they have support from their parents. Many parents are eager to jump in to help ensure success in the classroom, but it’s important to allow your child to carry some of the responsibilities related to school independently.

A parent’s level of involvement will also vary based upon the age, ability, and personality of their child. Parents may need to be more involved with school for younger children, helping them learn healthy study habits, teaching children how to communicate about their academic needs, and following up with teachers as needed. 

It can be beneficial to open the lines of communication with the teacher early, before your child is in need or feeling overwhelmed. Many schools offer parent-teacher conferences, scheduled once or twice a year, where progress and concerns can be discussed between parents and teachers.

These conferences may look different in the time of COVID. Whether you are participating in a face-to-face meeting with your child’s teacher or planning to reach out via a phone call or email, there are steps you can take to make the most of this conversation. 

Before reaching out or meeting with your child’s teacher, check in with your student about how they are doing in each subject. Take a moment to review their homework assignments, quizzes, tests, and progress reports to determine their strengths and weaknesses.

Discuss any areas of concern with your child and address questions they may have for their teacher. Create a list of questions or concerns that you have to use as a prompt during the meeting, phone call, or as you draft an email. 

Start the discussion by sharing a few details about your child, maybe an interest or a strength. Next, discuss your greatest concerns, keeping in mind that your child’s teacher is an instrumental team member in supporting your student and their education. By beginning with your areas of greatest concern, you ensure that if time becomes an issue, you will have addressed the most pressing needs first.

Continue discussing any other areas of need including academic progress, how your child may compare to their peers, interactions with other students both inside and out of the classroom, or other supports that may help your child be successful at school. 

At the end of the conference, discuss a plan for follow up with the teacher to check on progress and any goals established during your conference. If you find that you have additional questions after the conference, follow up with an email to your child’s teacher requesting clarification. 

At the end of the day, remember that you are your child’s strongest advocate, but your child’s teacher is also an important partner in ensuring your student achieves academic success. 

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When to Seek Professional Help for your Teen

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By Deena Bodine, LCSW – July 28, 2021 –

Parenting is no easy task. The teen years are notorious for challenging parents. While these years are a time of growth and a move towards independence for teens, parents may struggle to find a balance between encouraging independence and hovering too much. 

Distinguishing normal teenage behavior from serious problems can be difficult. While it is important for teens to grow their problem-solving capabilities, parents also need to be available to help when their child is feeling overwhelmed. Consider how your teen is fairing in school and their relationships for helpful clues.

Also, is your teen openly communicating with you about their daily life? If you are concerned about any of these areas, follow up with their school’s Youth First Social Worker or counselor about how to best help them. 

While it can be difficult to admit that your teen needs more help than you can offer, there are some issues that require professional counseling and intervention. Teens may need to meet with a professional for a variety of behavioral or emotional concerns, mental health issues, stress, relationship difficulties, substance use, or traumatic experiences.

It is important to recognize some warning signs so that you can seek help for your teen in a timely manner. Signs of depression, running away, participation in illegal activities, acting out sexually, self-harm, or abusing substances are all clues that immediate intervention is needed.

Other warning signs that there may be cause for concern include failing classes, changes in friends or activities, changes in eating habits, inappropriate anger or other significant changes in mood. These behaviors require consideration that your teen may be struggling with more than they can handle. 

After determining that your child needs professional help, seek more information from the school’s Youth First Social Worker, counselor, or your child’s pediatrician. They can assist in a variety of ways that may include completing an assessment, providing additional support, and offering information about referrals and other resources.

While it is not easy to ask for help, it is important to help your child get the assistance they need to be healthy. You may feel a wide range of emotions from guilt to worry to regret. These feelings are all normal, but don’t allow them to prevent you from helping your teen get professional counseling. Not only are you securing help for your teen during a difficult time, you are teaching them an important life lesson about asking for help when needed. 

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Model Emotional Regulation for Children

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By Deena Bodine, LCSW – May 14, 2019

Life can place many demands on us: work obligations, financial pressures, health issues…the list goes on. These life stressors can make it difficult to be at our best as parents, especially when we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, discouraged, or defeated.

During this time, we may even begin second-guessing our parenting decisions. But like so many other parenting moments, we have an opportunity to turn our stress into a teachable moment for our children. 

We know that kids learn from watching us even more than they learn from listening to us. This reinforces the idea that in order to be the best teacher for our children, we must learn to better regulate our own emotions and set a better example for our children.  

One important step in teaching emotional regulation is acknowledging our own emotions.  Acknowledgment teaches our children that not only do adults also experience big emotions, but we can respond to these emotions in a healthy manner.

Acknowledgment of emotions can be as simple as identifying the feeling. For example, “I am feeling overwhelmed because I can’t find my keys and I need to leave for a meeting.” When we label the feeling, we not only teach our children that adults experience frustration, but they are also primed to watch for our response to the situation.

Our children watch and learn from us, and if we respond to anger or frustration by losing our cool, we lose the teachable moment and send the wrong message on how to manage our anger effectively.  Instead, take a moment, take a breath, and then focus on finding those keys calmly. 

As we work to manage our emotions it is important to recognize the core of our emotions and the beliefs that drive them. Have you ever wondered why certain people get very worked up about something that seems very insignificant to you?  It is due to the beliefs they have attached to the event that is stressing them.

Perhaps we attach certain meanings to a name we were teased about as a child, and when we hear that name as an adult it releases a flood of emotions and memories that linger years later. Trying to gain insight behind our emotions is no easy task, but understanding those beliefs can be a game changer.  

The final step in emotion regulation is remaining in control of your response. This can be done through deep breaths, closing your eyes to remain calm, and taking a few seconds or minutes to pause. This can help change our perspective or at least prevent us from acting on an emotional impulse. Saying or doing something we will regret certainly sends the wrong message to our children in those teachable moments.  

While it is a challenge to be at our parenting best when we are struggling to manage our own emotions, the reward of healthy emotion regulation can be great.  We are in the best position to teach our children how to handle life stressors every single day.  We owe it to our children and ourselves to be the best versions of ourselves we can be.

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Recharge Your Brain with Downtime

By Deena Bodine, LCSW, Courier & Press, January 17, 2017 –

As a Youth First Social Worker, I’m fortunate each year to facilitate the Reconnecting Youth program with a small group of high school students.  This year, the group selected some “pay it forward” activities to complete.

One of the activities involved writing encouraging messages on post-it notes that were then placed anonymously on student lockers.  One of the students penned, “Think smarter, not harder” as her words of encouragement.  Her message got me thinking.

Our kids are often faced with high expectations at school, fewer opportunities to unwind through recess and the arts and a busy extracurricular and social calendar.  The same can be said about our adult calendars.

This non-stop agenda doesn’t allow for much downtime.  Downtime allows our brains the opportunity to refresh, recharge and make sense of what we have recently learned or experienced.

Downtime can be characterized in three forms:

Good, quality sleep.  There is a great deal of information about the importance of sleep.  I have witnessed the effects of inadequate or interrupted sleep firsthand in myself and my children.  I’m guilty of sacrificing sleep for the sake of more urgent tasks. It’s important to remember the important role of sleep and its impact on our health and brain function.

Idleness or time spent awake doing nothing.  Examples of this include lying awake at night before falling asleep or meditation.  Meditation allows us to refresh our ability to concentrate and to attend to tasks more efficiently.

Time spent on mundane tasks.  Mundane tasks are also essential for learning.  These tasks, such as feeding a pet, putting toys away or cleaning a room give learners a much needed break from sustained brain activity.

Even closing your eyes, taking one deep breath, and exhaling can help refresh the brain and takes practically no time.  Carving out some time at the end of the day or the end of the week to engage in meditation or mindfulness is good practice.

Other great opportunities for downtime include vacations and holiday breaks.  Unintentionally, our family created a great deal of down time over winter break.  Illness hampered our travel plans, and we had two weeks free of athletic practices and games.

I now recognize just how re-energizing “doing nothing” was for our spirits.  I think I’ll make more time for just that.

In the wise words of a high schooler, we need to “think smarter, not harder” and allow our brains more downtime.  Fitting downtime into busy schedules is easier said than done, but it is well worth the effort.

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Striving For Work/Life Balance

Work life balance

By Deena Bodine, LCSW, Courier & Press, April 12, 2016 –

I recently read a headline that challenged the notion of work/life balance. I didn’t make it very far into the article because, frankly, it isn’t something I want to believe.

Many of us wear multiple hats as parents, significant others, sons or daughters, colleagues, employees, etc. There must be a way to find balance within these roles.

This concept of homeostasis, a relatively stable equilibrium, has proved even more important as my husband and I welcomed our fourth child. Her arrival has allowed me to give some thought to giving my best at home and work while keeping sacrifices minimal.

Let go of perfection. The pressure we put on ourselves to meet expectations that don’t fall in line with reality can be unbearable. Unrealistic expectations can weigh on our relationships with our significant others and children. Prioritize what is most important to you and strive for that while keeping expectations in check. And don’t forget to cut yourself some slack.

Embrace your village. If you have family or a dependable baby sitter available to help with your children, having caregivers that truly care for your child can put your mind at ease when at work or taking time for yourself. Ask for and accept offers of help.

Plan ahead. It seems simple enough, but taking a few minutes the evening before can save a lot of frustration and rush in the morning. Prepare lunches, lay out clothes and pack up school or diaper bags. Place items near the door alongside keys for a quick departure. Use Sunday evening to prepare for the week, discussing the school lunch menu, extracurricular activities and logistics, and planning meals for the week.

Implement a family calendar. We have recently developed a family calendar to compliment what is in my personal planner. Our calendar includes after school activities, weekend events and the school lunch menu. Yours can be catered to the needs of your family. My kids have enjoyed the ownership of having their activities included. We can direct them to the calendar when they have questions about what will be served for lunch at school or who will pick them up.

Develop family rituals. Make family time rich in quality in the event there is limited quantity. This doesn’t have to be intensive. For example, encourage each family member to share one thing they are thankful for each day. Write these items on a slip of paper and collect in a jar or write them in a notebook to review together later. Take turns allowing each family member to plan an activity. Limit television or checking your phone so that you can focus on interactions with one another. Ultimately, it is less about what you do as long as you do it together.

Carve out time for yourself. Whether you spend time recharging with a book before bed or prefer to get up a few minutes early to enjoy the quiet with a cup of coffee, setting time aside for self-care helps us to be more effective in all our roles. It isn’t selfish or a luxury.

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