Tag Archive for: failure

Learning How to Fail

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By Jayme Waddell, LSW – April 12, 2022

As a parent, my goal is always to help my children succeed. However, I have realized that kids actually need help learning how to fail. When we fail, we have the opportunity to learn from our mistakes and eventually succeed. This isn’t necessarily a new idea but one that I now understand better as a parent.

Failure is inevitable. If kids don’t learn how to tolerate failure, it can leave them vulnerable to anxiety and stress, which often results in meltdowns, regardless of age. It may also lead kids to give up altogether. Acquiring the skills necessary to cope with failure is a crucial part of success.

“I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”  – Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan, one of the greatest athletes in the world, has spent decades speaking about failure. He has discussed the importance of perseverance and resilience, both on and off the court. His legendary accomplishments and hard work have turned him into one of the most impactful basketball players of all time. Was he born a champion? No. Did he have a raw talent for the game? No. He was relentless and never gave up. He accepted failure as part of his success.

As the pressure to win increases, we see more kids getting distraught over the smallest error. Therefore, it is increasingly more important for kids to learn how to tolerate imperfection. I would argue that learning how to cope with these mistakes may be even more important than whatever lesson or skill they were working on at the time the mistake was made. Learning how to fail is a necessary part of accomplishing any goal. It is an important life skill for kids to master to become more independent and thrive in the future.

Teaching kids how to fail is a process that starts with empathy. Saying, “it’s okay,” “nice try,” or “you’ll do better next time” can invalidate the child’s feelings, which could lead to more frustration and disappointment. Try changing the approach to be more empathetic: “I can see that you are upset. I know you wanted to do better.”

Modeling how to handle your own disappointment can also be impactful. Sharing your failures and explaining that failure is part of life can help normalize setbacks. Children are not always exposed to the reality that we, as adults, make mistakes and experience failures. It’s important to teach our children that it is okay when things don’t always go according to plan.

Make failure a teachable moment. When a child fails, there is a great opportunity for parents to teach critical thinking skills like problem-solving, self-regulation, and open mindedness. Try helping your child figure out what could be done next time for potential success. This is all about balance – we want to build distress tolerance skills by accepting that the situation “is what it is” while also recognizing what we learned or what we can do differently next time.

Watching your child fail can be difficult, but learning how to handle mistakes can only be done through exposure. When we hover or try to protect our children from every misstep, we rob them of the very experiences that require problem-solving. We take away the opportunity for them to experience resiliency and build the confidence necessary to take on new challenges.

Learning how to fail can be a painful experience, but success can only be achieved after we have learned the skills necessary to cope with any obstacles life throws in our path.

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Allowing Your Kids to Fail

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By Jordan Beach, LSW – March 24, 2020 –

Let’s take some time to talk about one of those dreaded “F” words…failure.

A lot of times we think of failure as the worst-case scenario. Failure is viewed as the thing that happens when you weren’t prepared or you didn’t try hard enough.

Take a moment and think of a time you failed. Try to remember what you were doing, where you were, and who was there. Now, focus on the feelings you had.

Personally, a knot immediately forms in my stomach when I feel I’ve failed. For most of us it brings up uncomfortable, unpleasant feelings that we try to prevent, not only for ourselves but also for those we love. We become so fixated on the unpleasant feelings immediately after our failure that we lose sight of the good things that can happen.

Preventing failure doesn’t automatically lead to success. Failure is an essential part of growth.

What happens when we prevent failure? Well, on the surface everyone is happier. We feel a sense of accomplishment, success, and we get to avoid those negative feelings that settle into the pit of our stomach.

Most importantly, though, we get to feel comfortable. As parents we feel like we’ve helped our kids get a taste of success when we help them avoid failure. As individuals we are able to avoid feelings of discomfort, shame, and embarrassment.

There is a lot more at play when we prevent failure from happening, though. To start, when we strive to make things easier for our kids to prevent them from failing, we are telling them we don’t believe they can do it on their own. When children are taught to associate failure with something negative, we are teaching them to avoid risks. They start to develop a fixed frame of mind in which they think, “If I might fail, I won’t even try.”

Looking at the opposite end of the spectrum, what happens when we embrace failure? Looking back to that moment when you failed, what could have made that moment different for you? What kind of support could you have used in that moment that would have changed your outlook?

If we stop looking at failure as a time our children did something wrong and start looking at it as a time they experienced growth, we can encourage them to take more chances and be more adventurous with their lives. It’s time to start talking about failure as something that happens to everyone.

When talking to your kids about the successes of their day, also discuss the things that didn’t go well. Help them pick out the positive things that happened or could have happened because of their struggles or moments of defeat.

Teaching our children to put forth their best effort and to be okay when things don’t work out in their favor is a huge step toward creating more resilient children. They will learn that failing at something doesn’t make them a failure. Use moments of failure as stepping stones to growth, and your kids will become more successful adults.

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