Tag Archive for: Kacie Shipman

Establishing Communication with Your Child from an Early Age

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By Kacie Shipman, MSW, LSW – July 3, 2024 –

It’s important to teach your child to communicate well from an early age. Getting your children to share their thoughts or feelings with you can sometimes feel like an impossible task. Often, as children age and their peers become an increasingly important part of their lives, they spend more time communicating with friends than their parents/caregivers.

As a school social worker, when working with teens and encouraging them to share with their parents, we discuss the barriers to being more open. First, students tend to share that their parents or caregivers are too busy to listen. The definition of busy can vary. I encourage children to think of times where they might interact with their parents, such as on a car ride home from school or practice.

Set aside a time where the distractions are limited and give kids an open opportunity by verbally reminding them you always have time for conversation. This is a good way to open a discussion. Sharing during car rides or dinner prep might be situations where they don’t feel pressured to make eye contact. 

Most children are concerned about the reaction they will receive when they share their feelings. Establish a plan where the child lets you know they have something on their hearts that needs specific, uninterrupted time for conversation. One way could be to leave a note or send a text that they would like to talk. This is a time where siblings or other household members understand that interruptions should be limited. Your child will feel valued by the specific time set aside.

During this time, provide them with the opportunity to share fully before expressing your thoughts or feelings. It’s a good idea to take an hour or wait until the next evening to give yourself time to reflect and regulate before responding.

Letting your child know that you won’t react in a big way can help decrease initial hesitation to talk about a difficult feeling or situation. If your child is concerned that what they share will bring about conflict or punishment, their hesitancy may override their desire to have you help them problem-solve or provide a supportive listening ear.

Share with your child that it is okay to reflect on your feelings and not make quick statements from an initial reaction. This will help in all of their relationships. Relationships suffer when things are said in haste or when we are dysregulated by the intensity of the discussion that may have caught us off guard.

Using statements to reflect how you are feeling by using “I” can help tremendously in making difficult conversations productive. An example of using an “I statement” with your child could be, “I felt a lot of fear and concern when your curfew passed last night and I wasn’t sure where you were.” Walls of defense go up when we hear “you” to start a conversation. When walls are up, the conversation tends to be defensive rather than on finding to a solution.

Being vulnerable and showing concern and fear rather than anger can also help keep your child’s walls of defense down. Overall, teaching and modeling positive healthy communication styles for your child teaches them lifelong skills. Positive communication skills will help your child in many aspects of both their private and professional lives.

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Talking to Your Children About Safety

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By Kacie Shipman, MSW, LSW, Youth First, Inc.

Parenting is no easy task. It’s safe to say that most parents have felt concern over the well-being of their child. Talking to your children about important topics can be uncomfortable for a lot of parents. Often times, the feelings of being uncomfortable come from a lack of knowledge about the “right” thing to say.

As a Youth First Social Worker, I am often asked by parents what the right thing to tell their child about various topics would be. All children have different personalities, even in the same family. It is important to be sensitive to their personality differences, but always tell them facts and be truthful about safety in an age-appropriate way.

Children often ask questions at unexpected times about things they have heard or seen. It can be surprising if your child hasn’t asked about similar topics in the past or the question seems to be inappropriate for their developmental age. It is vital to answer as honestly as possible. If feeling caught off guard, it is okay to let them know you appreciate their question and would like some time to think about the best way to answer.

Talking to your children about their safety can start at a very young age in the early toddler years. Ensuring they know their parents’ first and last names is a great place to start. Toddlers can also practice the importance of staying by your side until it is safe to let go.

Using fear as a tactic to make children follow safety rules can often lead to feelings of anxiety or cause high emotions that lead to additional emotional challenges. This can create a sense of fear in children that the world is an unsafe place for them.

Children are not only hearing the words of their caregivers but sensing their emotions as well. Talking to children when the environment is calm and regulated is much more effective than in the heat of the moment when parents may be experiencing anxiety themselves related to an unwanted situation.

As children begin elementary school, they should be able to start working on memorizing their phone number. Another good practice is teaching children to identify safe adults should they be separated. If they become lost in a store, they should look for someone behind a cash register or someone wearing a uniform. If they are unable to find a store employee, they could look for another parent that has other children with them as well.

As children begin to mature and gain more independence, be sure to continue conversations about using good judgment and safety precautions. Allowing children independence with supervision supports their need for growth while still ensuring safety while their impulse control and time management skills are still developing.

Ensuring your children know there are emergency plans for all situations to help keep everyone safe can reduce anxiety. The unknown is difficult but knowing that your family understands how to be safe can alleviate fear.

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Regulating Stress Responses

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By Kacie Shipman, LSW – July 20, 2022 –

Children and adults may react to stress in different ways. Trauma and stress can cause the brain to feel challenged or threatened, and the part of the brain that reacts is often on high alert. Our instinct is to protect ourselves, often by fleeing, fighting, or freezing from our perceived danger.

When individuals have experienced trauma or are in high stress situations, their behavior can sometimes become confusing to others. The term “trigger” is often used to communicate what caused someone to enter a state of dysregulation. Our brain works in a way that allows us to react before we think. It is a means of protection, although when trauma has been experienced our brain can set off false alarms.

What causes dysregulation? Our body has five great senses: taste, smell, sight, touch, and hearing. For example, a certain smell may trigger someone to experience dysregulation before thinking. If abuse was experienced in a home that often smelled like coffee, the smell of coffee alone could trigger the brain to go into a protective defense mode. This correlation is easier for adults to recognize than children.

Children in a high alert state are not able to reason. It is crucial to help the child regulate their body and mind so they can process stressful situations later. There are many ways to help children and adults regulate, or “calm down.”

It is impossible to know what difficulties others have experienced. That is why it is crucial to treat everyone as if they are functioning in a high alert state or have experienced trauma. Regulating children through their environment can be very impactful in managing behaviors that are difficult to understand.

For instance, if a child is often misbehaving, it’s important to track those incidents. There is a possibility that behaviors may be occurring in a predictable pattern. Making small changes in the environment can help eliminate stressors. Creating a safe relationship with a child can also create an environment where their brain is able to stay at a level of calmness with the ability to reason more than react.

The most critical part of supporting an individual with trauma is maintaining your own self-regulation. Being supportive in a non-confrontational way will encourage the brain to recognize the situation as safe and non-threatening. Understanding our own triggers and challenge areas will help us stay regulated in moments that may provoke unwanted emotions.

Practicing self-regulation skills can be done in many ways including yoga, meditation, or journaling. Finding a positive and encouraging support team who understands the impact of trauma on children can be a tool to maintain ongoing work with those who have experienced it.

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Good Communication Skills are Teachable

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By Kacie Shipman, LSW – May 12, 2021 –

Webster’s Dictionary defines the word communication as “the imparting or exchanging of information or news.” Communication goes much deeper than words alone. Every day we communicate through various means of technology including news and social media, through body language, and through our actions.

Communication starts at birth and continues throughout our life span. From infancy, babies use ways to communicate their needs to be fed, soothed, or changed. During the toddler years, as language skills develop, so does our communication style.

As parents and caregivers, we model and teach communication. Much of our communication as adults is learned from the environment in which we were raised. Learning to communicate well is an ongoing challenge and takes daily practice.

There are many ways to teach effective communication at any age. During the baby and toddler stages, rolling a ball back and forth helps practice taking turns speaking. It is important to speak clearly to children learning to talk so they understand the correct pronunciation of words. Requiring the child to use words early in life rather than pointing or grunting encourages them to use their voice in communicating needs.

At any age, it takes much practice to develop good listening skills. Teaching children to listen well can take a lot of patience. Practicing listening skills with young children can be done in fun ways, such as playing a game of “Simon Says.” This allows them to practice and develop the skill of listening before acting.

Other communication skills that are important to teach early are body language and manners, which are often part of a pre-school curriculum. Body language can include facing the person that is talking, nodding, and not interrupting. If you child interrupts during a phone conversation or other important adult conversation, talking with them about the importance of not doing so when it happens will help them succeed.

A goal of positive communication is learning to understand the other person’s point of view. Understanding is crucial during communication. Miscommunication begins with misunderstanding. Even when you disagree with your child, repeating an overview of what they said or what you heard is a good start.

Validation is a key component in communication. Webster identifies validation as “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”  Validation does not mean that you agree with what the person says or believe their opinion as fact. It does mean that you validate their right to have their own beliefs and they are respected whether the statement is one that is agreed upon or not.

By validating someone’s feelings or thoughts, it makes them feel valued and builds upon the skill of understanding in communication. Often times as we move into adulthood opinions become stronger and deeper.

Communication skills help a person succeed in life. People crave relationships, and when good communication is used those relationships can thrive. Communication can not only help in personal relationships with significant others and in families, but in professional relationships as well.

If as an adult you find yourself struggling in relationships or in interactions with others, please seek a professional therapist to help you learn to communicate more effectively. It is never too late to start.

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