Mom or Dad’s in Jail – How Do We Reduce the Impact on Children?

parent-in-jail

By Terra Ours, LCSW, Courier & Press, Nov. 15, 2016 – Michael  is being raised by a single mom who recently went to prison with a 10-year sentence. What effect will his mother’s incarceration have on 7-year-old Michael?

It is often said that we don’t incarcerate a person, we incarcerate a family. This statement is especially true when considering the impact of parental incarceration on children.

Studies show parental incarceration can be more traumatic for children than death or divorce. The effect on a child’s health, education and relationships puts them at an elevated risk for future incarceration as well.

The impact of parental incarceration on a child’s educational process is overwhelming. However, this issue is difficult for schools to track and often becomes hidden and overlooked when the child “flies under the radar,” performing fairly well academically  but is left to deal with the trauma, shame and stigma alone.

Lower grades, poor health leading to chronic absenteeism, lower school engagement, increased behavioral problems, learning disabilities and anxiety are just a few of the issues children may experience when they have a parent in prison.

Children often also experience anger, depression and anxiety related to being separated from their parent. These children are at an increased risk for experiencing additional “adverse childhood experiences,” otherwise known as ACEs. Research has shown that cumulative ACEs are often an indicator of childhood trauma and a precursor to future mental and physical health problems.

As a Youth First Social Worker in area schools, I have witnessed the devastating effects on a child with an incarcerated parent. Children are often too embarrassed to seek help for fear of being ridiculed by classmates. This leaves the child to bear the secret alone.

What do we do to help children experiencing the impact of an incarcerated loved one?

As long as the parental relationship is safe, it is very important for children to be able to maintain a relationship with their parent during the incarceration. Visits, letters or phone conversations can calm a child’s fears about their parent’s welfare and the parent’s feelings for them.

Reach out to the prison to identify resources available to help the child stay connected. If a child is unable to physically visit their parent, make resources available so the child is able to call or mail letters.

Explain to the child, at the appropriate developmental level, why the parent is not living in the home. Children have rules, and even very young children can understand the consequences of breaking a rule.

Help the child understand they did not have a part in the incarceration of their parent. Children will often take the blame for circumstances beyond their control. Help the child understand they are not at fault for what has happened, and what they are feeling is completely normal.

Most importantly, advocate for the child to receive resources and support within the community. Seek out social workers in the child’s school to help locate additional resources and assistance with addressing traumas related to the incarceration. Encourage the child to speak to a counselor, empowering the child to tell their story.

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The Road to Success – Instilling Grit in Your Children (part 2 of 2)

girl-playing-softball

By Joel Fehsenfeld, LCSW, Courier & Press, Nov. 1, 2016 –

In last week’s column we discussed what many people believe to be the secret to their success: grit. In short review, grit is the balanced combination of passion and perseverance but not one without the other.

According to Angela Duckworth, awarded the MacArthur Fellowship for her research on success, one of the first steps to instilling grit in your child is to put a challenge in front of them. Give your child the opportunity to pursue at least one difficult task that requires discipline and practice, like playing a musical instrument or a sport.

Once given the challenge, have your child follow through. Feelings of frustration can surface at times, but resist the urge to take over or let them quit. Learning isn’t always easy, so helping your child think through the steps teaches them to deal with and overcome adversity.

If your child fails at the task at hand, it’s okay. Being able to pick yourself up after hitting a low moment is a crucial skill a child should learn; that is how perseverance is instilled. Remind your child it is possible to be smart, accomplished and successful and still lose or fail at times.

Share with your child your own hard-fought battles and challenges. Some feel the most important skill a child needs to learn is the ability to get back up after a fall.  Encourage them and model that failure is nothing to be afraid of. A simple do-it-yourself project in the home can be a great opportunity to show a child some of the challenges grown-ups face.

Another way to build grit in your child is to develop a growth mindset. Carol Dweck, Stanford University professor and author of “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” describes a growth mindset as the journey of improving and strengthening your abilities through hard work, effort, good strategies and/or help and input from others. This mindset opposes the belief that your talents, intelligence and abilities are set in stone.

Dweck has come up with some tips to encourage your children to develop a growth mindset. The first step is to praise their effort, strategies and choices rather than their ability or intelligence. Kids will be more apt to take on challenges and stick with something if the praise they receive is directed toward the work they put in rather than their natural ability or intelligence. Demonstrate that a little bit of elbow grease goes a long way toward improvement.

Responding positively to failure is a critical lesson to learn. They also need to learn that not being perfect is okay. Helping your child set goals teaches them a step toward success and equips them with the skills to achieve the task at hand.

Instilling grit in your children does take effort and consistency, but in the long run the results will benefit them in many aspects of their life. If you would like to learn more about grit, check out Angela Duckworth’s website and take the grit scale at angeladuckworth.com or check out this TED Talk presentation by Angela Duckworth at youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8.

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Instilling Grit in Your Children (part 1 of 2)

boy-playing-football

By Joel Fehsenfeld, LCSW, Courier & Press, October 25, 2016 –

Why are some people more successful than others? Is it talent? Luck? Genetics? Money? Who you know? Street smarts? Book smarts? High IQ? Hard work?

This question has plagued the minds of psychologists for decades with no real clear answer to the secret of success. For example, West Point Military Academy has one of the most rigorous admissions processes. Of the roughly 14,000 applicants who begin the admissions process to West Point every year, only 1,200 are selected; of that number, 1 in every 5 drop out before graduation.

The ability to predict one person’s likelihood of success over another has also evaded psychologists. However, Angela Duckworth, awarded the MacArthur Fellowship for her research on success, figured out the secret characteristic that separated the candidates who would actually graduate from West Point from those who would drop out.

So, what is the secret? Simply put, Duckworth revealed that the key ingredient was grit.

What is grit? In this article I will help provide an explanation and understanding of Duckworth’s notion of grit and why it predicts success. Then, in a following article, I hope to convey what Duckworth shares on ways to develop grit.

Duckworth points out that a West Point graduate, people who earn master’s or doctorate degrees, finalists of the Scripps National Spelling Bee, top-performing salespeople, or even Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos are often no more talented or intelligent than others. Instead, it is their “grittiness” that carries them to a high level of success.

Grit is the balance of an interdependent relationship between passion and perseverance.

To persevere, in Duckworth’s mind, is the ability to endure struggle, be okay with failure, try again and again and continue to work hard. Perseverance is required for an athlete to practice the mundane, day- to-day routines that build up to greater skill and excellence. It is the sustained effort to build mastery with the long-term horizon in view.

Perseverance, however, without Duckworth’s notion of passion, does not equal grit. Without passion, perseverance is just the ability to work hard at something without satisfaction. Passion is key to the sustained persistence required for gaining a refined skill or completing a long-term goal such as graduation from West Point.

Passion is the ability to sustain interest, desire, or energy towards some type of goal or achievement, whether it is a sporting, business, academic, or personal financial achievement. It is easy to muster energy for something that is a fleeting interest, but to manufacture energy towards a sustained goal without passion is nearly impossible.

Passion is the excitement and energy sparked over and over again to love the pursuit and process of building skill for the sake of the long-term achievement. Therefore, passion is crucial to fueling the effort that is required in Duckworth’s success equation:

  1. talent multiplied by effort = skill  and   2)   skill multiplied by effort = achievement.

Interested in figuring out if you have grit? Check out Angela Duckworth’s website and take the grit scale to see where you rate: angeladuckworth.com. If you would like to hear more about grit, check out this TED Talks presentation by Duckworth: youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8.

If you would like to know how to build grit in your child or yourself, stay tuned for part 2 of this article next week.

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Preventing Suicide Takes Community’s Commitment

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By Davi Stein-Kiley, Courier & Press, Sept. 20, 2016 –

Suicide is a painful event in the life of a family, school  and  community.  It creates enormous heaviness in our hearts.

When emotions run high, we find safe harbor in the company of friends, caregivers and others who can provide support or who know what it’s like to walk in these shoes. Unfortunately, many have been touched by this loss.

According to one study, as many as 64 percent of the participants knew someone who had attempted suicide and 40 percent knew someone who died by suicide.  Almost 20 percent described themselves as a survivor of suicide.  Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among persons aged 15-24.

There are many steps in the walk through the grieving process: shock, anger, grief, sadness and pain. Death by suicide is complicated by feelings of guilt, shame  and trauma.  Lingering questions about the reason can leave difficult-to-heal wounds.

In the time following a loss, it is important to reach out and care for those who are close to the survivors.  It’s also important to prevent future suicides.

The American Federation for Suicide Prevention lists a number of signs and symptoms for us to observe and watch.  If friends, relatives, neighbors or acquaintances have these risk factors it is important to access care right away.

Listen to what they are saying.  If a person talks about any of these, they are at risk:

  • Being a burden to others
  • Feeling trapped
  • Experiencing unbearable pain
  • Having no reason to live
  • Killing themselves

Observe actions and behavior.  If a person engages in specific behaviors like these they are at risk:

  • Increased use of alcohol or drugs
  • Looking for a way to kill themselves, such as searching online for materials or means
  • Acting recklessly
  • Withdrawing from activities
  • Isolating from family and friends
  • Sleeping too much or too little
  • Visiting or calling people to say goodbye
  • Giving away prized possessions
  • Aggression

Notice the mood.  People considering suicide often display one or more of the following moods:

  • Depression
  • Loss of interest
  • Rage
  • Irritability
  • Humiliation
  • Anxiety

Sometimes people have other experiences in life that create greater risk for taking his/her own life.  These include personal health and well-being as well as environmental experiences.

  • Mental health conditions:
    • Depression
    • Bipolar (manic-depressive) disorder
    • Schizophrenia
    • Borderline or antisocial personality disorder
    • Conduct disorder
    • Psychotic disorders or psychotic symptoms in the context of any disorder
    • Anxiety disorders
  • Substance abuse disorders
  • Serious or chronic health condition or pain
  • Stressful life events – death, divorce or job loss
  • Prolonged stress factors — may include harassment, bullying, relationship problems or unemployment
  • Access to lethal means including firearms and drugs
  • Exposure to another person’s suicide or to graphic or sensationalized accounts of suicide
  • Previous suicide attempts
  • Family history of suicide

A key piece of prevention is to help people talk it out. We once believed sharing information about suicide could cause someone to be suicidal.  This is a myth. In reality, talking provides an outlet for people in distress and reinforces the idea that it is good to talk with others rather than act on destructive feelings.

Young people may also believe it’s a betrayal to tell an adult about a friend who is contemplating suicide.  The truth is that not telling is an even greater disloyalty.  It’s important to help young people see the bigger picture and trust the adults around them to respond.

Our greatest asset in the fight against suicide is each other.  As a community, we have the ability to join together and learn how to stop suicide.  It is the most preventable form of death in our nation.

Southwestern Indiana has many resources we can access.

1. For immediate assistance call:

  • Southwestern Healthcare Suicide Hotline – 812-422-1100
  • Deaconess Crosspointe – 812-476-7200 or 800-947-6789
  • Brentwood Meadows – 812-858-7200
  • National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 800-473-TALK (8255)
  • Crisis Text Line- Text “GO” to 741741- Response by trained volunteers, not professional

2.  To access Youth First Social Workers in your school see youthfirstinc.org.

3. Other resources include:

  • SOS support groups: Care for Survivors of Suicide (SOS) offered at 6:30 p,m. the first and third Mondays of each month at Methodist Temple, 2109 Lincoln Ave.
  • Support groups through Mental Health America — go to mhavanderburgh.org/support-groups.html

4. Additional training is available in our community for those interested:

  •  Youth Mental Health First Aid– A one day workshop designed for participants to learn how to recognize the differences between normal youth development and emerging mental health concerns. Participants learn an action plan to support youth in both crisis and non-crisis situations.
  • Question Persuade Refer (QPR) offered for Teens and Adults in our community – a one-hour training designed to help people recognize signs and symptoms of suicide and support a friend or family member who may be having suicidal thinking.
  • ASIST- Applied Suicide Skills Training – A two-day workshop provided to help participants learn how to talk with a person who might be suicidal.

The Southwestern Indiana Suicide Prevention Coalition is a group of dedicated agencies and individuals whose goal is to look for ways to reduce suicide in our region. The HOPE Team (Helping Other People Every day) is a collective outreach of survivors of suicide and professionals who provide early crisis response to families and friends who have experienced the loss of suicide. For more information about the Southwestern Indiana Suicide Prevention Coalition and the HOPE team, contact Janie Chappell at 812-471-4521.

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After the Incident: Reason for Hope

South Gibson Star Times – Aug. 30, 2016 – Parri Black was interviewed for the cover story, and Davi Stein-Kiley contributed a column about teen marijuana use.

Click here for the story:  SG Star times august-30-2016 2 and 3

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Can a Parent Be Too Strict?

Parent disciplining child

By Jordan Beach, MSW, Courier & Press, August 30, 2016 –

Parenting is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs around. We are surrounded with conflicting opinions about parenting and what is best for our children.

You can find debates on any parenting subject — breastfeeding vs. bottle-feeding, co-sleeping vs. crib sleeping, allowing your child to have electronics vs. unplugging. The list goes on and on.

Another big debate is whether parents should adopt a strict parenting style as opposed to more permissive parenting.

The truth is, there is no definite right or wrong answer for any of these issues. Being a parent involves finding a way to walk the fine line that separates extreme forms of parenting styles.

A common term used for parents who are very strict is “helicopter parents.”  This basically means the parents are constantly hovering over the child, making sure their every move falls within the confines of what the parent deems appropriate.

Knowing where your kids are and what they’re doing is important, and ensuring they complete assignments is practical.  However, watching over their every move can often be detrimental in the long run. Children need to learn how to fall down and stand up again on their own.

Watching your child get hurt is never an easy thing to do. As parents, our natural instinct is to fix the problem, and if possible, prevent it from happening in the first place.

Many times this leads to parents arguing with teachers about grades or behavior, becoming involved in conflicts their child is having with peers or fighting to ensure their child never sits the bench.

Allowing your child to fail, though difficult to watch, is essential for growth and development. When your child suffers the consequences of failing to complete an assignment, it will help them learn the importance of time management.

There will be a time in your child’s life when they are expected to complete tasks independently. Help guide your child and teach them how to prioritize and complete tasks on their own. This will help them become self-reliant and lead to further success in school and future endeavors.

When your child fails to follow the rules at school and there are consequences, they  learn to respect authority. The desire to rescue your child when they are in trouble is normal. However, when you fight against an authority figure, you are teaching your child that the rules do not apply to them and they do not have to do what is asked of them.

When your child has a conflict with a peer, it is important to allow them to work it out on their own.  Allowing them to solve their own problems helps them learn conflict resolution skills, molding them into problem solvers and good communicators.

Watching your children struggle is never an easy thing to do. However, if you allow them to learn and grow by guiding them but ultimately allowing them to make their own decisions, they will be more independent later. The skills they learn as children will help them become more successful adults.

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Preparing for the Empty Nest

empty nest

By Laura Keys, LCSW, Courier & Press, August 16, 2016 –

Here’s a riddle: I have spent the last 12 years attending school events, PTA meetings and well child visits. I have spent the last four years paying for AP exams and ACT and SAT prep books. I have spent the last two years visiting colleges and researching the safety of each campus. I have spent the last year watching the mail for admittance and scholarship letters. I have spent the last three weeks shopping for sheets, shower caddies and collapsible laundry hampers. Can you guess who I am?

Yes, I am the parent of a child leaving home to attend college. I will soon be an empty nester, and I must say I am not very excited about it.  The closer the time comes for my child to leave, the louder the little voice in my head yells, “NOT YET!”

But being a “glass half full” kind of gal, I decided to focus on how I could handle this life-altering change in a way that is good for me and more importantly my child (who is actually pretty much a grownup).

While reading all I could about adjusting to an empty nest, I found some great truths that came up time and again. I will share some of the good ones, as I know many of my friends, family and co-workers are going through the same adjustment.

1.  Prepare yourself. Face the departure and look at it realistically. Remember how excited and ready you were to get out of your parents’ house.  It’s not as if you didn’t love your parents, and it’s not as if your own children don’t love you. But let’s be honest, you were ready to get the “heck out of dodge,” and you need to remember that feeling so you are not hurt when you see it in your own child’s eyes.

2.  Try not to catastrophize. Don’t spend the last precious days with your child running constantly down your top 10 list of things that could hurt them. Along with excitement, your child is also probably feeling a little anxiety about moving away from home, and the last thing they need to hear is a daily montage of what is scary in the world. Most college campuses put freshmen through safety protocol.  Give them a few gentle reminders and move on.

 
3.  Don’t expect your child to call every day. Think back to your first days on your own as a young adult in a new place. I don’t remember wanting to call my parents and chronicle every new experience. Much of the literature says it is good to set up a weekly call time and save communication by text or email for the rest of the week. I think I will utilize texting a lot at first so my daughter won’t be able to hear me cry after hearing her voice.

 
4.  Focus on the positives for you. As much as I will miss my child, her wet towels and dirty dishes will not be missed. There were nights that I would have liked to have gone to a 90-minute yoga class but instead did a 30-minute cardio workout so I could get home to see how everyone’s day went. Having sole rights to the TV or computer is another bonus.

The point is, find some freedoms in this change. They are there, but you may have to dig for them. I think Dr. Margaret Rutherford said it best:  “Your child’s life will be filled with fresh experiences. It’s good if yours is as well.”

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Confidence is Key in Children’s Emotional Development

Confident child

By Laura Arrick, LCSW, Courier & Press, August 2, 2016 –

As a parent of two young girls, I have mixed emotions at the beginning of the school year.

It is exciting to get back in a routine and watch their educational growth each day.

The physical, educational, and social milestones seem to pass very quickly, and seeing your child on the right track brings joy and satisfaction.

This time of year can also bring feelings of nervousness and fear. As a Youth First school social worker, I see children growing into young adults every day. They begin to develop self-esteem, question confidence in their abilities and compare themselves to their peers. These internal milestones and changes may be difficult to see in some children who need help in these areas, however.

At Youth First we feel very strongly about prevention. We work with students and families to teach coping skills and empower youth to handle their problems and emotions in a healthy, positive way. We work to foster independence and build confidence to help kids handle whatever life throws their way.

Parents should instill these skills when children are young and developing their own identity. Here are some strategies to help parents build confidence and emotional skills in their children:

Help children become problem solvers and critical thinkers. As kids grow older, move away from fixing every problem and doing everything for them. Let them succeed and fail. This will build their independence, resilience and confidence in their own abilities.

If possible, let kids make their own choices. It can be scary giving them the reins to make decisions, but involving them will build confidence and give them a sense of freedom and independence.

Trust them with responsibilities. Take some time to research appropriate responsibilities for different age groups. There are countless articles and ideas for giving children suitable chores around the home. The younger they are when you introduce these concepts, the more buy-in you will get.

Encourage children to pursue their own interests. Spend time paying attention to their strengths and help them pursue those passions. Parents want children to be involved, and they often pick activities and sports for them. This is OK as they are growing, but as they start to have their own voice, they should have more input on what extracurricular activities make them happy.

Be a good role model. Take time to think about decisions you are making, and show your children it is OK to make mistakes. Being wrong or vulnerable is not necessarily a bad thing. Children are paying attention to your reactions and responses, however.

So with the new school year just around the corner, education and social development are definitely priorities. However, let us not forget that psychological and emotional learning are just as important in shaping children to be healthy adults.

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Stop the Stalling: Motivating a Procrastinating Child

Child doing homework

By Jordan Beach, MSW, Courier & Press, July 26, 2016 –

Does your child put things off until the last possible moment? Does he find other things to do when an important task needs to be completed?

When a child procrastinates it can be extremely stressful and frustrating for everyone involved.

As a parent you might feel discouraged when your child fails to complete tasks. It may feel like your child is being defiant or lazy, but in reality he is more likely bored or distracted from what he should be doing.

There are some simple ways to help your child get back on track and minimize the stress of completing tasks on time.

Allow your child to participate in setting up their after school schedule. This routine doesn’t have to have time limits attached; it could just be a list. Fun things should fall to the bottom of the list. Make sure they know they can’t move on to step B until step A is completed.

This will give your child something to look forward to and incentive to complete the tasks on the list. It is very important to stick to the schedule, however. If you allow your child to skip the “boring” parts one day, he will expect it every time.

Since your child will have a say in creating the schedule, the fun activities listed are things they actually enjoy. The schedule does not have to be set in stone; you could change activities weekly.

If you feel as though you are always giving out punishments or consequences, offer rewards instead when you see good behavior. Offer praise when you see your child doing even small things you like to see. Positive encouragement will boost self-esteem and make them feel more productive.

Be a positive role model for your child. It is much easier for them to procrastinate when they see parents procrastinating. By setting a schedule, staying in a routine and completing necessary tasks on time, you are teaching them important steps to being successful.

Give concrete instructions. Instead of telling your child to complete their homework, be specific and tell them to complete their spelling homework. This way there are no questions about what needs to be done, and they are able to focus on one subject at a time. If possible, break up homework subjects into different nights of the week to help prevent your child from feeling overwhelmed.

When asking your child to clean up, be specific about what you are looking for. If you ask a child to put their clothes away, there is a good chance the clothes will just get shoved out of sight. If you ask them to fold their clothes and put them in the dresser, they will know exactly what you are asking, and there is less room for a misunderstanding.

Procrastination is a learned behavior, which means that it can be unlearned. To help your child be successful, it is important for you to be consistent and a good role model of the behaviors you want to see.

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