Take Care of Yourself to Care for Chronically Ill Loved One

Elderly woman

By Tiffany Harper, MSW, Courier & Press, July 19, 2016 –

Living with and caring for a chronically ill family member is like going for a long run; it is a marathon, not a sprint. It requires a lot of understanding, endurance, energy and empathy.

Caring for the chronically ill impacts everyone in the home on some level. Relationships, household finances, personal freedom and functioning in general can all be affected.

If you are a caretaker, make sure you’re practicing self-care. Here’s how:

1. Come to terms with the change. Depending on how your loved one’s mobility has been impacted, freedom to come and go can be significantly altered. Activity may be limited. If this is the case, household members will be required to adjust to the change.

Patience goes a long way in this process, particularly if there are children in the home. If there is a new diagnosis or the prognosis is not hopeful, fear can set in. There is fear of the unknown, fear of what the future holds, and fear of losing your loved one.

Educating yourself about your loved one’s illness is important. Getting information directly from medical personnel is strongly recommended over website searches, which potentially give misleading information and cause additional anxiety.

It is OK and even important to grieve over changes and the future prognosis. Comfort can be found in cherishing the moments you still have with your loved one.

2. Focus on the positive. While it is important to grieve the loss of the former way of life, it is also important to find the “half full” portion of the glass. Find moments to stay connected to your loved one, but also be sure to focus on other aspects of life, other family members and friends you cherish, and simple pleasures like a beautiful sunset or the sound of rain.

Practice mindfulness. This requires you to focus on specific moments of your day in the present tense, honing in on the sights, sounds and feelings of the moment. This can be practiced during the most mundane of activities, even tasks as simple as washing dishes.

3. Get support. One of the best catchphrases for support is, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Self-care is crucial to those caring for chronically ill family members. Self-care looks different for everyone. It is important to know what activities or practices rejuvenate us physically, mentally and emotionally. Activities as simple as leaving the house for a quick walk, taking a long bath, or talking to a friend can go a long way in renewing body and mind. If you don’t know what works for you, try new things, especially those that fit into the new lifestyle of your home environment.

4. Accept help. If a friend or family member offers help, accept it. This can be very difficult for some. Keep in mind that the people in our lives who care enough to offer probably truly want to help. Allowing them to step in and give you a break, help out with household chores or errands, etc., gives them validation and encouragement in return.

Remember, you must care for yourself to care for someone else. There is nothing selfish about caring for your own health so you can avoid stress and burnout and give your loved one the very best care.

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Messages to our Children as they Leave for College

College campus

By Laura Keys, LCSW, Courier & Press, July 12, 2016 –

Last week I took my oldest child to freshman orientation at Indiana University. During one of the parent sessions, they asked us to write a letter to be mailed to our child’s dorm a few weeks after classes begin.

The idea is to give the students a boost a few weeks into the school year, but I think the real reason for the exercise is to help parents start the process of letting go.

As parents, we do need to prepare ourselves for our children leaving the nest, but we also need to prepare our children to fly safely.

The statistics around campus violence are a bit scary. What might be even scarier is that our kids don’t understand a lot of the dangers.

Many experts say that if a student is going to be victimized it will most likely be in their first semester. For that reason, the first six weeks of college is known as “The Red Zone.”

To help both student and parent prepare for this crucial time, a face-to-face discussion on safety needs to happen before departure. Below are some tips and talking points.

Students should always be aware of their surroundings. They shouldn’t walk alone with ear buds. They shouldn’t walk alone at night. Most campuses have many safety options, including free rides on and off campus 24 hours a day as well as strategically placed emergency phones. Let your child know they should not be afraid to use these resources.

Strangers are often not the danger. Most sexual assault victims on campus know their attacker. Stress the importance of getting to know people before placing yourself in a vulnerable situation. It is impossible to really know someone after two dates and going for “nice” over “cool” can’t be emphasized enough.

Be on guard at parties. It’s not enough to tell college students not to go to parties, drink or do drugs. Parents will not be there to enforce the rules, so we need to have a more realistic conversation about the consequences of partaking. They should always monitor their drink and never drink from a common or shared container. Help them understand their judgment is impaired when they are under the influence, and they are less able to defend themselves. In case they get into a dangerous situation, tell them to keep their phone charged and money or a credit card on them at all times.

It’s important to cultivate great friendships. Stress investing in friends that will have your child’s back. The buddy system is the single best safety measure your child has throughout their college career. It’s another set of eyes on your child, and it’s another set of brains to give input when sticky situations arise.

Teach them to trust their gut. If a situation seems scary, it is. If they feel like they shouldn’t be somewhere, they probably shouldn’t. Instinct is one of the few remnants in our DNA from the portion of human history when we were a part of the food chain. Urge them to trust their gut; it’s a biological measure of safety.

If they are listening, all of these points will help improve your child’s security. But the most important thing to say to your child as they leave the nest is that you will always be there if anything bad or good happens. They should never be afraid to call.

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Emotions Run High When Relocating

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By Elizabeth Christmas, LCSW, LCAC – Courier & Press – April 5, 2016 –

In July 2015 I took my children to see a movie. All I knew about the plot was that it centered around the emotions of a young girl.

As a therapist who works with children daily, I was intrigued and couldn’t wait to see this social/emotional brain activity play out on the big screen.

I had no idea just how much my own children and I needed to experience “Inside Out,” as our lives were about to turn upside down.

We had known for several months that our small family would likely be relocating. Like any good mother/therapist, I made sure we talked about what it would be like when the big day came.

My children were familiar with the new community and had visited. I had done some networking to find a few girls my daughter’s age and scheduled some play dates.

We kept our most special toys and stuffed animals with us during the transition. But I don’t think the reality of starting our lives over in a new place really hit my daughter and me until that summer afternoon we moved to our new town.

If you haven’t seen the movie, you truly are missing out on an opportunity to grow. Most of this movie is set inside the brain of an 11-year old girl named Riley who’s depressed about her parents’ decision to move, separating her from her friends.

In the master control room of her mind, five major emotions jostle for control: joy, sadness, anger, fear and disgust. The story kicks into gear when Riley attends her first day of fifth grade and has a flashback to a “joy-colored” memory from Minnesota. Sadness is somehow compelled to touch this core memory, prompting Riley to cry in front of her new peers.

For the rest of the movie “Joy” and “Sadness” battle for control, until these personified emotions eventually learn Riley cannot thrive without them working together.

At the end of the movie, Riley finally confessed to her parents how sad she truly was about the move. She had tried to wear a happy face, but that only caused her to become angry on the inside.

As Riley and her parents embraced, I heard a sniffle next to me. I looked over and saw a big tear running down my daughter’s cheek as she watched Riley’s story play out and related it to her own.

Over the last eight months my daughter and I have often come back to the lessons we learned that day. Every time she gets sad about missing her friends, her school, our house, our church … we cry together about all that we miss. I try to be open with her about my own feelings of sadness.

And then we talk about all that we love about our new friends and new school. We make sure to visit the pieces of our past while we enjoy our present. What we learned from “Inside Out” is that life will be sad at times. Children need to hear that parents struggle too and that sadness is acceptable.

When facing a difficult transition such as a move, embrace and press on together — always looking for the joy. God has a way of tying it all together and bringing us full circle. My daughter celebrated her 9th birthday this week … at our new home in our new town on Riley Street.

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Helping Children Grieve

Cemetery

By Amber Russell, LCSW, Courier & Press, March 29, 2016 –

Dealing with the death of a friend or family member is something very hard for adults to cope with, much less a child. When adults are experiencing a loss, it may be hard to know how to help a child who is also grieving.

The first thing to keep in mind is that grief is not a problem that needs to be fixed or bypassed; it is an experience we live through.

Secondly, just like an adult, a child’s grief is impacted by a variety of factors. A child’s relationship with the deceased, how the person died, the child’s age and developmental level, support system, past experiences with death and personality are all factors to be taken into consideration.

Regardless of the age of the child experiencing loss, here are a few things you should consider:

1. Validate feelings and let them know it’s normal to feel a variety of emotions while grieving. Reactions can include sadness, anger, guilt, fear, relief and many others.

2. There is no time limit on grief; everyone goes through stages in their own time. Children who have lost a loved one might re-experience the loss when they have certain milestones such as getting their driver’s license, graduating, getting married or even doing something that the deceased person enjoyed.

3. Be aware of your own need to grieve. Many adults hide their sadness because they don’t want to make a child feel worse. This might send a message that being sad or crying is not OK. Being open about your own grief will help normalize feelings for the child and help them be more open to talking with you. But also be aware that if you are struggling with extreme emotions, it could cause the child anxiety and make them feel they need to support you. Make sure you examine your own coping skills and get help if needed.

4. When talking with the child, do not lie about the cause of death or what death means. Often adults will avoid words like “dead” or “died” and instead use phrases like “passed away” or “gone to a better place,” which can cause confusion. Some adults might avoid having conversations about the deceased loved one or death in general. This may lead a child to think the subject of their departed loved one or death is taboo, causing them to keep feelings and unanswered questions inside.

5. This may be the child’s first experience with death, and aside from feeling sad, they may feel anxious about the whole process. Talk with your child about what to expect at the funeral, memorial service or burial. Encourage them to ask questions. If we don’t listen to and talk with our kids about death and all that goes along with it, they might assume things or fill in the blanks with false images or expectations.

6. Talk with your child about healthy ways to cope with their feelings and remember their loved one. As a school social worker, I have used some of the following ways to help children express grief: drawing, keeping a journal, putting together a photo album or creating a memory box with pictures and mementos of their loved one.

7. There are also support groups and age-appropriate books that explore grief. A few children’s books I have used in the past are: “When Dinosaurs Die” by Laurie Krasny, “Tear Soup” by Pat Schwiebert and “When Someone Very Special Dies” by Marge Heegaard.

Talking with a child about death is never easy, but with openness, support and love, you can guide them through this life experience.

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Thinking Outside the Box

Outside the box

By Ben Smith, LCSW, Courier & Press, March 22, 2016 –

Albert Einstein once stated, “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

So often people walk through life gauging what they see and experience through a small picture frame. We create and embellish on this structure through formal education, life experiences and social and intimate interactions

We are taught what values are important, who to associate with, and even what goals we need to focus on. But what is the effect on the frame when surrounding concerns paint a picture of failure, stress and confined limits?

As parents or guardians, what type of picture frame do we help our children construct?

Einstein saw the “awe” in experiencing new opportunities every day. Maybe we should ask what we can do today to help our youth think outside the box.

Regardless of race, financial status or age, people often operate from the safety of a self-constructed box. Over time, this box has provided security and protection from hurtful outside influences. It has also provided acceptance and approval from people or groups we deem important.

These self-constructed walls are initially malleable but begin to become rigid over time as beliefs are fortified. In general, this is not a bad thing.

However, some youth are unfortunately subjected to social experiences and stressors (such as poor home conditions) that cause their box and view of the world to become small and fixated. Depending on how they are able to manage these circumstances, they will see their world with limited opportunities and minimal success. This is something I hope we do not readily accept.

What can we do to help our kids think differently and stretch the limits of their box?

Here are a few quick tips:

1) Be a role model. As caregivers, the way in which we see things and interact will transfer to our children. Display excitement in attempting new challenges and exploring new possibilities. Demonstrate characteristics of resiliency, work ethic and self-confidence. Encourage your child to expand their circle of influence toward people who can help them grow socially, emotionally and spiritually.

2) Get involved and experience things through their eyes. As parents, we often place values and mannerisms onto our kids. As they grow older the parent/child attachment gets stretched. Caregivers can strengthen those bonds by reassessing how the world is viewed through their child’s eye. Opening up a steady line of communication, being nonjudgmental, and supporting creative ideas can help lead a youth toward new horizons.

3) Be aware of what kids are listening to and watching. This is pretty self-explanatory but often overlooked. Take the opportunity to observe things they are interested in. Allow kids to discuss why they find these things meaningful, and explain your views in a noncritical way.

4) Help develop positive and proactive self-talk. Many people walk around using negative language that fosters helplessness. They hold the perspective that outside influences control their behavior. Teach your child to make statements that display confidence such as “I can,” I will,” etc.

Encourage your child to dream, imagine the possibilities and think outside the box. With this change in perspective, your child will be able to witness many of life’s miracles.

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The Power of Community

Ostriches

By Diane Braun, Courier & Press, March 8, 2016 –

Have you ever wondered why some people in a community have better overall outcomes than others, why some youth do well in school while others do not, and how people in the same community can have unequal health status? And have you ever wondered what you can do to change this?

Organizations that focus on making changes in community issues use risk and protective factors to determine their local needs. In our state, the Indiana Youth Survey is given to students in grades 6-12 annually and focuses on risk and protective factors. Students answer survey questions anonymously, and this data is used to identify local factors.

A risk factor is an aspect of a person’s life, environment or experiences that makes them more likely to develop a given problem. A protective factor is that person’s same life, environment and experiences that make them less likely to develop a problem.

For example, a youth who lives within a family with a history of alcoholism has the risk factor for becoming an alcoholic. Parents who talk to their child about alcohol and don’t abuse it themselves create a protective factor for their child.

Through environmental strategies which focus on an entire community rather than individuals and small groups, positive changes can be accomplished. For example, when dealing with prescription drug abuse among youth, strategies might include providing a cabinet-locking mechanism for all prescriptions, preventing youth from accessing pills in the home.

Drug disposal and take-back programs can also be effective to counter unused drugs being kept in homes. According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, family management programs such as Strengthening Families, offered by Youth First, can help families learn the risk factors for adolescent drug use (such as parental tolerance for drugs) to achieve reductions in risky behavior.

Using these risk and protective factors as a guide, Youth First has been a part of a national and statewide initiative, the Communities That Care process, which is a way for communities to prevent substance abuse, juvenile delinquency, teen pregnancy, violence, school dropout and behavioral health issues. The CTC process uses evidence-based strategies which have been researched and proven to make positive changes in individuals and communities.

A community coalition is comprised of community stakeholders – service providers, residents, community and business leaders, educators, government officials, law enforcement officers, and others – who combine human and financial resources to address a particular issue or set of issues within the community.

Coalitions, by mobilizing the community, have helped change public policy and have empowered residents by giving them a sense of ownership and investment. These coalitions meet on a regular basis to assess the needs of the community and share resources.

For more information about local Communities That Care coalitions and to find out what is being done to address risk factors in your community, go to the Youth First website: youthfirstinc.org.

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The Benefits of Attending College in Your Hometown

University

By Jacob Jewell, Courier & Press, March 1, 2016 –

After two semesters away from home while attending my first year of college, I decided to move back to Evansville to take a shot at being a commuter student. Now that I am attending one of Evansville’s local universities, I am thoroughly convinced this is the way to go.

This is partially because college is pretty competitive and a home court advantage adds real value to any competitive endeavor. According to statisticians from the University of Pennsylvania, any given NBA team is roughly one and a halftimes more likely to win a home game relative to the away team.

With all of college’s tests, assignments, and job interviews, I’d much rather play with this well-documented force on my side and succeed with the help of a lifetime’s worth of rapport, connections, and the comfortable familiarity that comes with staying close to home. These advantages are worth leveraging.

Another big benefit of attending college in Evansville is the Tri-State’s relative abundance of internship opportunities for fledging professionals. The typical college town cannot compete with our numerous and noteworthy hospitals, factories and other sizable businesses. There’s an opportunity here for just about every major.

Upon transferring to school in Evansville, I immediately started scheduling numerous interviews with local firms, which came as a complete surprise to me based on my observations while away from Evansville last year.

Local companies constantly demand interns for fall, spring and summer positions. By my estimate, this gives the Tri-State’s local students about three times the number of internship opportunities that I was exposed to while away last year. This is because the small college town I used to live in had to export its students to more industrious cities for summer positions.

Internships during the academic year are extremely rare in most college towns despite their prevalence in the Tri-State. Should a student at my old school pursue an internship during the academic year, this student’s position was largely peripheral and involved monotonously-long weekend commutes.

Moreover, rebasing my education offered me more national opportunities than I had at a well-known, nationally-recognized school, much to my surprise. By moving to a smaller academic institution, my internship applications had a higher probability of floating to the top when the giants of the accounting world asked for applicants, leading me to interview with two of the big four public accounting firms. Based on my graduation date and the comparative flood of applicants at my former institution, this most definitely would not have happened to me at my old school.

For many parents, a strong motivation to send their children off to college is a sense that numerous and quintessential experiences must be given up if the student studies from home. I personally disagree with this.

According to the College Board, the average cost of room and board at a public university was $9,804 last academic year. Being a commuter student alleviates these expenses. This opens up a floodgate of opportunities for around $9,804 worth of college experiences, which sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

To top it all off, you should drive through one of our local campuses sometime. To my untrained eye, it doesn’t look like the students are missing a thing.

 

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What’s All the Buzz About Mindfulness?

Mindfulness

By Sarah Postlewaite, Courier & Press, Feb. 16, 2016 –

Mindfulness is a word that gets thrown around a lot these days. It seems to be the “buzz word” of the moment.

However, many people don’t fully understand the concept of mindfulness. There is also a lot of confusion about how it works and how to do it.

Mindfulness is a particular way of paying attention. It is the faculty of purposefully bringing awareness to one’s experience.

Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, one of the pioneers of mindfulness, defined mindfulness as “the awareness that emerges through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally to the unfolding of experience moment by moment.” Why do we want to be more mindful? Mindfulness has a whole list of benefits including improving attention, increasing compassion, assisting in emotion regulation, improving calming techniques, and improving adaptability and resilience. There is solid scientific evidence that mindfulness works and improves the quality of life for those who practice it.

Mindfulness practices can be applied to any experience: sensations in the body, emotional experience, thoughts, sights or sounds. The quality of the attention is more important than the object of attention.

So basically, it doesn’t matter what you are paying attention to; just pay attention. If you are showering, don’t plan your day — think about showering. Whatever the task may be, the purpose is to fully focus on what you are actually doing in that moment.

When discussing mindfulness, I hear others say the struggle is that their mind continues to wander or it is difficult to focus and get started.

The first method of practicing mindfulness that I learned and always share with others is the counting breath technique. Sit in a comfortable position in a quiet room and close your eyes. Then, just count your breaths.

As you breathe in, say “1” to yourself. As you breathe out, say “1” to yourself. On your next in- breath, say “2” to yourself. On your next out-breath, say “2” to yourself. Continue on until 10, and then start back at 1. It’s that simple. Count your in and out breaths until you get to the number 10 and then start over.

The counting breath technique is a formal mindfulness practice, a way of taking a moment out of your daily life to sit and just practice mindfulness. The formal mindfulness practice leads to more moments of mindfulness in our daily lives.

When I think of my own mindfulness practice and helping others with theirs, I always come back to wise words I heard regarding mindfulness years ago when I first began to practice:

Things will happen to us in life that can cause us a lot of pain and suffering. Learning and practicing mindfulness gives us the opportunity to not just cope with life, but to thrive.

We can’t always control the events that happen in our lives, but we can come out on the other side not just coping, but thriving.

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Setting and Achieving Goals

Goals

By Wendy Lynch, Courier & Press, Feb. 9, 2016 –

About a month ago, many New Year’s resolutions were set. Determined to have a fresh start, many of us set goals to exercise more, eat healthier or work on relationships. Some of us may already be disappointed in our progress one month into 2016, however, because we set unrealistic goals.

Setting achievable goals allows us to change behaviors and challenges us to make progress. Goals provide us with direction and focus. When we have control we can make changes. However, there are several things that need to happen before change can occur.

First, having a commitment to goals is important, because it allows us to be involved in the change process. Being committed and practicing the right skills will help us stay dedicated. When we challenge ourselves we are moving forward, so having determination and enthusiasm will help.

Second, we all need motivation. Do not let your motivation dissolve; follow through! Motivation is essential to change a behavior or an environment. It keeps us on track. Having a support person is also very important. We all need someone in our lives to give encouragement and provide support. It is especially important when we are making a change, because change will always need to be supported — even after our goal has been achieved. Find someone who will be supportive and hold you accountable for your actions.

The next step is to organize and prioritize your goals. Begin with the end in mind. For example, you could write, “I know my goal will be achieved when I have read eight books for the entire year.” Writing down your goal will provide a sense of accomplishment when you succeed.

In his book, “The Essentials of Family Therapy,” Michael Nichols states that useful goals are specific and include positive actions. One way to organize goals is to break them down into manageable steps. If, for example, your goal is to read more books this year, you might think about writing down a plan to read six chapters this week and 12 chapters next week. Writing down these smaller goals provides a clear picture of what you want to achieve and how you’re going to get there.

It is also important to list some obstacles that might get in the way. When you list your obstacles you are preparing yourself, which will help prevent you from being derailed. This step will take some self-reflection and honesty, but it will help when problematic situations arise. Setbacks are going to happen, so when setting goals think of some scenarios or situations that might make reaching your goal difficult.

Celebrate your successes as you achieve small goals, and give yourself credit every step of the way. And then keep going. Set more goals after you succeed.

Lastly, whatever your goals are, know that making a change can be difficult. Try to think of the result and how your life will benefit from your commitment.

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Quality Time With Your Kids is Worth the Effort

Mother and child in snow

By Kate Scheuer, Courier & Press, January 26, 2016 – When I was growing up, my parents both worked full-time. Despite her busy schedule, however, my mother did a wonderful job making time to spend with us.

One of my favorite childhood memories is when Mom would spontaneously say, “Let’s go for an ice cream run!” We would all jump in the car and head out for a treat. More than the delicious vanilla ice cream cones, I remember enjoying the time I spent talking and laughing with my mom.

Spending quality time with your child is priceless. As they grow older it may seem harder and harder to have those precious moments together. Start today by figuring out when you can carve out a few minutes together on a regular basis.

Here are some suggestions for spending quality time with your children:

Schedule time during the day. Eat breakfast together or schedule a sit-down or phone call after school.

While driving in the car from place to place, use the time to discuss their day, current successes, struggles, hopes and dreams.

At bedtime, set aside a few minutes of quiet time to help them unwind.

Try to have a few sit-down dinners together each week.

Include your kids in your workout routine. Push them in the stroller while you walk or run, or if they’re older, they can walk/run alongside. Go hiking or bowling together. Have a dance party or put on an exercise video you can all enjoy at home.

Try one of your child’s hobbies. Seeing your child enjoy what they love will be fun for you, too!

Also, remember to listen intently when your child talks. It is easy to become distracted and misunderstand what he or she is trying to communicate. Try putting away your cellphone or turning off the television. Children are seeking your attention, and they will find a way to get it in a negative manner if you are not listening.

Spending time with your children does not mean you have to plan something special or go somewhere; it can be as simple as reading a book or playing outside. Find what works best for your family. Remember that quality time is more important than quantity.

Youth First, Inc. offers the Strengthening Families program. This program is designed for all families. In today’s society raising children can be difficult and the demands on our time are always increasing. Finding quality time to spend together can be challenging.

Strengthening Families gives you the opportunity to share your parenting successes and struggles with other families experiencing the same joys and obstacles. You will also be given new tools and strategies to take home and put into practice. Parents are also encouraged to build on what is already working well for your family.

By attending Strengthening Families, you are also guaranteed some good quality family time. Please call Youth First at 812-421-8336 to register or get more information.

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