Seeking Understanding: The Key to Improving Relationships

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By Holly Walther, MSW, LSW – September 26, 2024

As the saying goes, “There’s no handbook for parenting.”  It’s a complicated yet fulfilling journey that evokes so many emotions. During times of discipline, we can find ourselves doubting ourselves as we try to strike a balance between justice and compassion. In these uncertain moments, seeking understanding ensures this important equilibrium.

Reacting Vs. Responding

Living in a fast-paced society creates a proneness toward reactivity. But this tendency should not carry over into our closest relationships, especially those within our homes. Your child spills milk on the kitchen floor, and your immediate response might be frustration or annoyance. Your teenager arrives home late, and you might express offense. These reactions originate from our own triggers such as experiences, stress, and exhaustion. But what if instead of reacting in judgment, we seek to understand the situation from outside of our own perspective?

The Importance of Empathy

Empathy is a cornerstone of understanding. In the words of social work researcher Brene Brown, “In order to empathize with someone’s experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it, and not how you imagine their experience.”  When we empathize with our children, we recognize that their behaviors aren’t always a deliberate challenge to our authority; it’s often a reflection of their inner world and developing mind. Practicing empathy creates a safe environment where our children can express their feelings, fears, and desires.

Changing Unhealthy Patterns

No parents are perfect, not even our own. Perhaps we remember feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or unappreciated. Memories like these shape our parenting styles, sometimes in ways unaware. But seeking understanding breaks this cycle. When we choose to see our children as unique individuals with their own struggles, we break free from generational patterns and cultivate a home where everyone is heard, seen, and understood.

Below are some practical actions for seeking understanding:

  1. Pause and Reflect—Before responding, take a deep breath (or two or three). Openly consider your child’s perspective. What might be influencing their behavior? Is there an underlying need or fear?
  1. Actively Listen—Give your child your undivided attention. Ask open-ended questions such as, “What do you think would make things better?” or “Would you please help me understand what is bothering you?” Show genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings.
  1. Validate Their Emotions—Even if you disagree with their actions, affirm your children’s emotions. Statements like, “I see you’re upset. Let’s talk about it,” help them know that you are trying to understand rather than judge.
  1. Learn Their Love Language—Each child expresses love differently—through words, acts of service, gifts, touch, or quality time. Discover their love language and use it to connect.  Learn more at https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language.

As parents, we hold immense power to shape our children’s lives. The rewards of seeking understanding are immeasurable—deeper bonds, a more harmonious home, and the fulfillment of knowing we are shaping compassionate, resilient human beings who will carry forth a beacon of love and empathy into future generations. 

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Your Student Needs Good Quality Sleep

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By Katie Martin, MSW, LCSW, CSAYC – September 18, 2024 –

A good night’s sleep can make or break a student’s success in school and in life. Quality rest and a sufficient amount of sleep create better outcomes in academics, social settings, mental functioning, motivation, emotional regulation and physical energy, among other things. 

There are many reasons a student may not be sleeping well, such as staying up too late, mental illness, stress, poor health in general, etc. It is important to establish good sleep hygiene. Many think of hygiene as related to cleanliness, but hygiene is simply doing what is conducive to maintaining health. Sleep hygiene maintains our health on a multitude of levels. 

Below is the recommended amount of sleep by age, according to the Mayo Clinic:

Infants 4 months – 12 months             12 to 16 hours per 24 hours, including naps

One to two years                                      11 to 14 hours per 24 hours, including naps

Three to five years                                   10 to 13 hours per 24 hours, including naps

Six to 12 years                                          9 to 12 hours per 24 hours

Thirteen to 18 years                                 8 to 10 hours per 24 hours

Adults                                                          7 or more hours per night

It’s important to establish good sleep hygiene as early as possible for student success. It may feel daunting as a parent or student if routines have not been previously implemented. In some cases, there may be strategies that have been attempted and failed, but consistency is key, and it may take some trial and error.

Families can help by encouraging structure and participating in healthy nighttime routines. Consult a doctor if a healthy routine isn’t working. In some cases, families may need to advocate for a sleep study if rest is not improved with good hygiene. 

The following tips for sleep hygiene are provided by the Children’s Hospital of Orange County:

  1. Stick to the same bedtime and wake time every day, even on weekends. Staying up late during the weekend and then trying to catch up by sleeping in can throw off a child’s sleep schedule for several days.
  2. Beds are for sleeping. Lying on a bed and doing other activities makes it hard for your brain to associate your bed with sleep.
  3. Establish a comfy, cozy room. A bedroom should be cool, quiet and comfortable.
  4. Alarm clocks are for waking up. Youth who stare at the clock waiting and hoping to fall asleep should have the clock turned away from them.
  5. Stick to a bedtime routine. A predictable series of events should lead up to bedtime. This can include brushing teeth, putting on pajamas, showering, reading, etc.
  6. Engage in only quiet, calm and relaxing activities before bedtime. Listen to soft, calm music. Avoid activities that are excessively stimulating, such as screen time and physical exercise. It is best to keep screen time out of the bedroom and limit use to at least one hour before bedtime.
  7. Relax. Practice deep breathing and imagining positive images that bring happiness and comfort.
  8. Start the day off right with exercise. Exercise and physical activity earlier in the day can help children focus, feel more energetic and awake during the day, and fall asleep and stay asleep later on that evening.
  9. Avoid caffeine. Avoid caffeine in the late afternoon and evening. It can cause nighttime awakenings and shallow sleep and/or prevent one from falling asleep.
  10. If you can’t sleep, get out of bed. Get up and do something non-stimulating, such as reading a book. Repeat for 20-30 minutes if necessary. Getting out of bed prevents the bed from being associated with sleeplessness. 
  11. Put kids to bed drowsy, but awake. The ideal time for a child to go to bed is when they are drowsy but still awake. Allowing them to fall asleep in places other than their bed teaches them to associate sleep with other places.
  12. Cuddle up with a stuffed animal or soft blanket. A security item such as a stuffed animal or blanket can provide comfort for all ages.
  13. Bedtime checkups should be short and sweet. Checking in on a child is to let them know you are there and everything is okay. A check in should be brief and non-stimulating.
  14. Maintain a sleep diary. Track naps, bedtimes, wake times and behaviors to find patterns if things are not going well. Diaries can be reported to a doctor for further discussion.

With these tips, hopefully your child can establish good sleep hygiene and get quality rest so they can be at their best.

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The Power of Empathy

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By Ashley Lingafelter, MSW, LSW – September 11, 2024 –

In a fast-paced and technology driven world, empathy remains an essential quality that promotes genuine human connection and understanding. Empathy is the capacity to put oneself in another person’s shoes, recognizing and understanding their emotions, experiences, and perspective.

The ability to understand and share the feelings of another person is what makes us unique and compassionate beings. It plays a pivotal role in fostering healthy relationships, resolving conflicts, and promoting a more compassionate society.

Psychologists have identified three components of empathy: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate. Cognitive empathy involves understanding another person’s thoughts and emotions, even if one does not personally experience them. It requires active listening, open-mindedness, and a willingness to consider different perspectives.

Emotional empathy refers to feeling the same emotion as another person, often leading to a sense of shared experience and resonance with their feelings. It enables individuals to offer comfort and support while validating the other person’s emotions.

Lastly there is compassionate empathy, which combines cognitive and emotional empathy, compelling individuals to take action to alleviate others’ suffering. It fuels acts of kindness, selflessness, and social advocacy.

Empathy has far-reaching benefits on both an individual and societal level. Here are a few key reasons why empathy is essential:

1. Building Stronger Relationships: Empathy forms the cornerstone of strong interpersonal connections. By actively listening and understanding others, we can gain trust, foster teamwork, and create meaningful relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.

2. Conflict Resolution: Empathy helps resolve conflicts by providing a deeper understanding of others’ perspectives. It encourages constructive dialogue and problem-solving.

3. Enhancing Emotional Intelligence: Empathy is closely linked to emotional intelligence, which involves recognizing, understanding, and managing emotions.

4. Fostering Inclusivity and Tolerance: Empathy allows us to embrace diversity and appreciate different cultures, beliefs, and backgrounds. It promotes a sense of inclusivity, tolerance, and respect for individual differences by dismantling stereotypes and biases.

5. Creating Social Change: Empathy fuels acts of kindness and compassion, inspiring individuals to make a positive difference in society. It drives philanthropy, volunteering, and social activism, paving the way for a more equitable and empathetic world.

So how do we become more empathetic and how do we teach our children to be empathetic? Empathy is a skill that can be nurtured and developed. Pay attention to others’ words, body language, and emotions. Practice active listening by being fully present in conversations and showing genuine interest.

Try to understand situations from others’ viewpoints, considering their beliefs, values, and experiences. This promotes empathy and helps bridge the gap between different perspectives. We can read more diverse narratives and stories and watch more diverse movies. Doing so will broaden our understanding of others’ experiences and help us cultivate empathy. We also need to practice more self-reflection. We need to make sure we are aware of our own biases, assumptions, and experiences to be able to approach others with an open mind.

Empathy is a powerful force that promotes understanding, strengthens relationships, and fosters social change. It is an essential skill that can be developed through active listening, perspective-taking, and self-reflection. Let us embrace empathy to bridge divides, build connections, and make the world a little brighter for one another.

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Why Students Should Leave Cell Phones in Lockers

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By Heidi Mikac, MSW, LSW – September 4, 2024 –

As a school social worker, one of the most frustrating parts of my job is when I’m in the middle of a session with a student and they take out their cell phone and start texting as if I don’t notice or exist. When I tell them to put their phone away, they protest as if it’s a life or death situation. 

How did I survive middle school and high school without a cell phone?  I didn’t get my first phone until I was a freshman in high school, and it was so difficult to handle I barely used it. But somehow I survived, and I’m still here to tell the tale. 

There are issues that are difficult to ignore when it comes to the use of cell phones by students. There has been a noticeable increase in depression and mental health concerns among children who spend their days (and nights) gazing at the bright white screen in front of them. Countless hours spent watching TikTok and arguing back and forth over Snapchat have made it difficult for students to focus their attention on studies, friends, and family. 

Many of my students have told me they don’t communicate often with their parents because they lock themselves in their room and watch YouTube or chat with friends on social media sites during their down time. This chronic behavior is taking away from quality family time and interfering with their ability to complete any meaningful homework or chores at home. I’ve noticed that when a student’s phone is taken away from them at school, the student reacts like a junkie who can’t get a fix. I’ve had many students come into my office crying because a teacher took away their phone. 

Since 2015, more and more teenagers have reported feeling lonely. This has not escaped my attention at the middle school where I work. It has been alarming to see the social skills of many students atrophy over the past few years. Many students seem to have forgotten how to start a conversation with their peers and would rather sit alone in silence than interact with their schoolmates. While on lunch duty, I routinely observe many students burying their faces in their cell phones instead of socializing with their peers. 

I am not advocating a complete ban of cell phones. I understand that students may need their phones for various reasons, but there are some commonsense solutions. The student fixation on cell phones has led me to the conclusion that it would be in the best interest of teachers, administrative support staff, and especially the students if we simply had them keep their cell phones in their lockers during classroom hours. Another solution might include issuing a bin to each classroom. Students could leave their phones in the container after turning them off for the duration of the class. I think that would help both teachers and students resolve this sensitive issue. There is no easy fix, but ignoring the problem is not contributing to the wellbeing or academic excellence of our youth.

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